Feed the Tree

Its Wednesday, and I am a little crispy. Meeting Monday night (work/church). PTO last night. Youth group & potluck tonight. Since its Cinco de Mayo there are pinatas, so that's a selling point for the little man to come with me. He had a great time at PTO last night, and enjoyed himself immensely.
Big Man was very tired last night, and I hope he got some sleep. He's been tired and cranky all week. and of course it affects my mood as well as the little man's mood. Its hard because the big man never gets enough sleep, and its just compounding things by staying up late. I appreciate the help some nights, but other nights its more difficult because he's tired and not able to do a lot. I almost feel guilty that I am taking care of myself by making sure that I get enough sleep. But I have to do what is good for me and in turn, my family.
I'm really trying this whole balance thing, and for the most part its working. I really focus on my little guy, and that's made a bit of a difference for me. I am not as short tempered as I was just a few weeks ago. He does have some very important things to say and I really need to listen. He may not do things exactly as I want him to do, but we're working on that.
I am one of those people that I feel once I ask you to do something, I shouldn't have to keep nagging you. However, I feel like there are times when I have to keep hounding people to get things done. I don't want to be a mom to everyone else I deal with in my life. Its very frustrating and exhausting. I just want to be able to say, I need x done and not have to worry about it and keep checking up on things. I think part of my exhaustion is related to mental stress from feeling like I need to be in control of everything.
But that's just an illusion. I am not in control, and to think that I am is just nonsense. One of my favorite quotes is, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans". Its so true, and I have to remind myself of that over and over, since I am a compulsive planner. I want to just let go and be. Its a struggle to do all that, because I don't like surrendering to anything or anyone.
But there has to be an element of surrender in order for a marriage (and family) to work. Its not advocating giving up a sense of self or anything like that, but it is giving up certain things and expectations. I know that the Big Man is a homebody, and yes it does frustrate me on several levels that he doesn't want to do certain things with me-but I also know that the more I push, the deeper the iceberg goes. I can't make him do things anymore than he can make me do anything. He can't make me over into Holly Homemaker, where I can keep the house clean, meals cooked and etc etc etc. Heaven knows he has tried over the last 17 years.
I know every day when I get up, I make choices. I make a choice to eat healthy. I make a choice to exercise. I make a choice to move. I make a choice to be happy. I make choices to do x. I make a choice to spend time in prayer. I make a choice to spend money or not. I make a choice to clean up the house. I make a choice to do lots of things. I set the tone in my house by making a choice to be caring and loving or just plain out angry all the time.
Today I am choosing happiness and peace.