How You Remind Me

Driving to camp yesterday morning, little man made an observation. He noticed that it was nice spending time together all weekend without an agenda or stuff all planned out. I agreed with him, but he took it once step forward. He told me that he liked me being home, since I am so busy. Ouch.
So, I thought about that conversation all morning and I made the decision that I am going to step away from everything that doesn't involve my family, work, PTO and church. I am just too busy trying to do it all and be superwoman.
I started being busy because I have always been an overachiever. Look at what I can do in one day! To the outside world, I have had it all together for 40 years, but the truth is I don't. No one really does, but some are better at it than others.
The problem is I need to get my priorities straight. Right now my house looks like a hurricane blew through. I had intentions of cleaning it yesterday, but I was so beat when I got home from work that I just couldn't do it. I had every intention of eating healthy yesterday, which I did all morning until lunch time. Then after lunch it all fell apart. Between feeling like I could just fall asleep at my desk and craving a combination of sugar and salt, I was a mess.
I used to think that sometime in the future things would be better in my life. I'd be thinner, I'd be healthier, my house would be cleaner and organized, we'd eat better and on and on and on. But I need to live in the here and now. What my son said to me was a huge wake up call.
Compared to some women, I've got it great. My husband helps out with housework and child care. He cooks, and cleans up. We are blessed with good health and an abundance of things. Sure there are things that wish he would do, just like I am sure he wishes that I would be different in some areas but over all he's a good man. What makes it hard for me sometimes is the fact that most women I know complain a lot about their husbands. And I mean complain. They can't do anything right, blah blah blah. They point out all their faults and go on and on and on about it. I almost feel sorry for these guys because it seems as if they are the biggest losers on the planet, and can't do anything right. I don't join in the husband bashing, but I guess it makes me think of my relationship and question things. I think of what doesn't get done, and then I get frustrated rather than focusing on what does get done.
Basically, I keep thinking the grass is always greener on the other side, and that is not a great way to live. God put me in this place in my life for a reason, and I may not always understand it at the present moment, but it all will be revealed in due time.
I do have some close friends that are models of good and happy marriages, where they don't slam their husband's and point out all their faults. They have found a balance in their lives between their different roles. They have an odd sense of peace in their lives, and let go and let God move through them.
I do want that in my life. I try so hard to plan and it just seems like my planning falls apart. A good friend mentioned that maybe because I am trying to force something that God didn't approve. She might be right, and I admire her for the fact that she is so open to what God wants. She told me she is just the vessel, and God works through her.
My life right now reminds me of the story of Elijah & Elisha, when they were looking for God in the wilderness. They didn't hear Him in the thunder or rain or other loud crashing sounds in nature. Instead, it was the still, small sound that was the voice of God. I keep searching for that loud, booming voice saying "Here I AM" when its in the quiet moments that God is truly present.
I try to force too many things to happen, and that is part of the issue with being a do-er. Even when I am meditating or doing yoga (which are all supposed to be about letting go and just being)I am trying to force things. I am not just letting the whole zen thing occur. I guess I don't trust things to work out in the end, and instead I try to make it happen.
Today my only goal is to just be, to listen for that still small voice. To enjoy my family as is, and live for new experiences. To find other ways to fill myself other than food and stress, to just be. To not stress out over things and what gets done gets done.