Unskinny Bop

There are 6 days to my race, which is very exciting for me. I do have in the back of my mind that I probably could have trained harder, or faster or more consistently, but I am not going to let that negative thinking overwhelm me. I know that I will do great. Period. And my family will be there to cheer me on! That's all I need to know.
I do feel like a skinny chick trapped in a fat suit. I will never be skinny per se because of my shape-I've got curves. However, I am not really as fat as people think that I am because of my hernia. This hernia is massive and it makes me look like I'm some sort of blimp or something. So, I probably wear a 12 or a 14, but I can't because of Humpy. I also get limited in what I can wear because of humpy-and even exercises I can do, because it gets in my way.
I won't lie, I've used the hernia as an excuse. I will still look fat so why bother? Its not going to matter. But it does matter. I ate a lot of crap last week, and this week I will have equal challenges. Big Man went grocery shopping yesterday, and unfortunately there isn't anything for me to take for lunch, no fruit that I like for fruit salad, no yogurt and berries, so I will have to stop by a store and get some stuff for me to keep me on track. I have had a lot of food issues for years. It goes hand in hand with the self esteem problems, I am sure of it.
I was a vegetarian for a long time. I felt great when I was, and I did it for health reasons (as well as financial) and I wasn't all crazy in your face about it for the most part. I had a lot more energy, and I swear my skin and hair looked better. Many years ago, the Big Man and I were having dinner in the little kitchen in Roebling, I started to talk about vegetarianism. He cut me off, told me that it was in the past and to forget about it. That was the last time I brought it up for the past 17 years. But, there's a nagging feeling about it-that I am being pulled in that direction again.
Actually, even if I ate vegetarian for breakfast and lunch, I'd still be better off than I am right now. My cholesterol will go down, my skin and hair will look better, and I can increase my energy level. I'll be in a good place, and that's what I need. I need to treat myself well, and this is just part of it.
I really do struggle with eating healthy. I honestly do love healthy food, but I just don't put the thought into it to eat better. Just like I also love to work out, but I do things to make it difficult to do that. Just like I love to take care of myself, but I don't do it as well as I can.
There is a definate love hate thing going on with food and exercise and drinking water. Working out makes me feel great. I love the sweat, I love seeing defination in my muscles, I love pushing myself to the next level. However, I also love sitting on my butt, and having a defeatest attitude about life. Its just easier it seems. Add to it, having this air about things that I will never look totally awesome and have a figure to die for. And on top of it all, Big Man used to be way into body building and all, and I guess its this whole since he's not into it anymore, why should I be attitude. I guess I am trying to be fat and happy, but its not working. I want to be healthy and happy.
Add to it, wanting to be a good example for the little man. I want him to see me snacking on fruits and veggies, not crap.
I want him to see me being active, not a slug.
I want him to see me putting movement in my daily life.
I want him to see me making healthy food choices.
I want him to be his best too.