The Best of Intentions

I've been living with that phrase for so long-I've intended to do things that would make our lives better, but just never got around to it. Same with exercise and eating right. I intend to do it all, and I just don't follow through. Its an exercise in frustration for me, because I want to grab that brass ring. I want the good life. And I know I can do it.
So right now, I feel a little lost. I'll admit it. I feel off kilter, and I am not quite sure why things are spiraling out of control like they are. But its time to stop this trend and start righting myself.
Today I need to: work out. do laundry and put laundry away. tidy up the house before I leave. do a few other cleaning related tasks. then I need to plan meals for next week, because I am tired of not having a clue.
Its hard implementing things in my life-its like there is a giant, invisible wall that's holding me back and keeping me from leading my best life. Its like I try to see how much I can get away with before I fail miserably. Its that way with relationships, my house, my car, exercise, eating right, and the list goes on and on. Its setting myself up for failure, and its very, very sad. But I intended to be my best...I feel the pull between the devil and angels on my shoulders.
What is really causing this struggle for me even more is the fact that its affecting my relationship with the little man. I don't feel like I am being the best mommy I can be, and its starting to build a wall between us. No one likes a screaming banshee, and that is what I've become it seems. Because of my own disorganization, my son is suffering the costs. We struggle every morning, because we didn't plan things out the night before. Bedtime came too late. For whatever reason, I didn't pack my lunch the night before, so I am struggling to throw some junk together, that I am probably not overly thrilled with-which then leads to the thrill of eating badly. And so the downward spiral goes.
I wake up late (because I went to bed late)so I don't have as much time in the morning. I spend too much time writing, so it limits the time I get to work out. Then I zone out in the shower, so I have less time to get ready or gasp! eat breakfast. So, I have already diminished my life by not doing what really needs to get done. Then I am rushing the little man to get up, eat breakfast and get out of the house. Not fun.
By the time I get home from work, I feel like my butt is dragging big time. I need to lay down & stretch out for a few minutes before I can be fully human again. Then for most of the night, I wind up on the couch, vegetating and surfing the web on my blackberry. Occasionally I'll get enough energy to do something, but its increasingly rare. Its like I can't even cobble together enough to tidy up before bed. Somehow time escapes me and it winds up way too late, and the downward spiral starts all over again.
Its not depression or anything like that. Its just this fear of not being good enough, and for some reason its reared its ugly head lately.
My poor husband has suffered through all of this, and is still sticking around. He derserves a gold medal. He's put up with my low self esteem for about 18 years now-that in itself deserves a parade. He's also suffered through me not being the greatest homemaker (as much as I want it to, it doesn't come naturally to me) and he's still here. I've been a witch with a capital b to him, and he's stuck around. I've acted like a spoiled rotten brat, and he's still here. Bless his heart, because a lesser man probably would have been gone by now. I never intended things to be like this, I just wanted to lead a happy life and be the best wife and mother, but somewhere along the way I lost my compass-my sense of direction. I didn't intend to, it just happened. And now its time to get out the map and start following my way back. At least, that's what I intend to do.