The Glamourous Life

When people say its an honor to be nominated, and they don't win, most people think that they are just being gracious and inside they are either mad, or sad or both. However, I am feeling truly honored tonight. I have been nominated for the BlogLuxe Awards, in the Inspiring Blog category. I have some pretty stiff competition too! And to add to the honor, I am nominated alongside my favorite mommy blog, the Nie Nie Dialogues-the blog that I go back to whenever I need some mommy inspiration.

So, there that being said, I am truly honored to be nominated. Its proof positive that I am not just ranting into cyber-space. Somedays I think of the old question, if a tree falls in a forest and there isn't anyone to hear it-does it make a sound? Likewise, if a mommy blogs and no one comments, does that mean no one reads it?

My shameless self promotion aside, this was a lovely Monday. Despite the screaming match the little man and I had to start off the AM. He doesn't like to get up in the mornings when we have to (but is up at the crack of dawn on the weekends). I have to go and wake him up repeatedly. It gets to the point where I start losing my cool, because we are now starting to running late if we don't get up NOW. Add to it, the necessitites in the morning of getting dressed, brushing teeth and eating breakfast AND getting out of the house into the car and on our way, its quite stressful. Generally speaking one or both of us winds up in tears, and no one is happy to start the day.
I've tried different things-the checklist, point system, bribery-and while they all seem to work in the short term, nothing is long lasting. It makes me feel like bad mommy that I am completely incapable of getting my son up, dressed and out the door in a calm, timely manner-let alone have breakfast at the table (gasp!). Most of the time its a portable breakfast-toast, cereal in a ziplock baggie, chocolate protein shake-and I feel really awful about it.
In my defense, I have heard from parents of Aspies & Austistic kids that this is fairly common. But it doesn't make me feel any better about it in the mornings. There are some days that after I drop him off I basically bust out crying because I'm an emotional wreck. Nothing like having your kid tell you that you yell too much in the mornings to set your day off right.
I wish that there was some way to get him to understand how important it is for us to get up, get dressed and get out the door in a timely manner. And I think he wishes that I could get over the anger issues that I have.
I am an angry mommy. Part of that has to do with being sleep deprived, part of it comes from feeling that I don't live up to other people's expectations, and part of it is just not being able to reconcile how my mind sees my life vs. reality.
A long time friend of mine & I were chatting on line today, and she mentioned something that rather clicked for me. I have suffered from chronic back pain due to a work related injury in 1995 and a car accident in 1997 that injured the same spot. I am not whining about it, I get up and go to work every day and deal with it. I don't pop pills like candy or use it as a regular excuse to get out of doing things. Its just that I feel like I am being cut by hundreds of plastic knives-its annoying but it doesn't really do any serious damage. She suggested that part of the problem that I have might be from never really stretching it out enough. Yes I do yoga daily but I never really deepen into the asana to truly feel it. I do it to get the immediate relief (something like downward facing dog or cat stretch that relieve tension in my back) but not enough to get the lasting benefit.
So it goes with many other parts of my life. I do things enough to get the immediate effect (dinner on the table, house clean for company, running a 5k) but not enough to go the distance. I don't deepen into the pose to find the peace and lasting benefit. I don't deepen into my life to find the peace either.
My friend made the suggestion that I focus on one or two asanas this week, rather than going through my sun salutation or the daily dozen that I do. She suggested forward folds and the tree, which are using different muscles. One is about balance, and the other is endurance (fitting since those are two categories that I need the most help with in my life)So to translate this to the rest of my life (and yes, yoga is totally holistic) I need to find balance in my mind-between who I am and who I want to be. And I need the endurance to make the who I want to be happen.
First and foremost, I am a wife and mother. That is my primary function in my life. Everything else is gravy. I need to balance my life with my primary functions-what will make a better wife and mother? What will serve my family best? How can I balance it all? Secondly, I need to have the endurance to run this race that my Heavenly Father has signed me up for. I need to pace myself to make it to the finish line, rather than being the sprinter I have always been.
I don't wear sexy shoes, I don't have a wardrobe that makes other women jealous, I usually don't wear makeup or do my hair. I may not fit the usual definition of glamourous, but there are other things that make me feel that way. When my son tells me he loves me or that I look pretty. When my husband compliments a meal I cooked. When the big man tells me to go rest. when I get a hug, kiss or both from my boys (including the puppy dog) I feel better than a supermodel. In those moments, I am truly leading the glamourous life.