Brain Stew

Its been a long week, and its only Tuesday. Very emotionally charged this week. I've done a lot of soul searching and I've discovered a few things about myself:

1. there is a definite issue with value and time
2. I need some help with time management
3. I stick with things that don't work, because its easier to stay in this mode than to move along
4. there is a river of discontent that runs through my life

Lets look at #3. Its been something gnawing at me for the last several days. I've been trying to make a lot of things work that don't. There are things that I've outgrown in my life that I am still trying to squeeze in-people, places, things-even though it really makes me unhappy. And honestly, I am tired of it. I think its more exhausting to live like that than it is to do what's better and best for me. One of the reasons why I am so tired all the time is more from mental exhaustion rather than from actual physical exhaustion. Its a hard habit to break, because homeostasis is the preferred state for matter (see, I did pay attention in high school science!)
#3 actually co-mingles with #4. I know I can do so much more with my life and my time, its just I feel I have to wait on others to do things, and I am really tired of it. For example-riding bikes with the little man. I would love to do that at night, but I feel like I just can't cross the threshold into the garage to do anything else. Its like a physical barrier stopping me. Another example: family devotional night. I've been advocating for this for years now, but no one else is buying into it. And it frustrates me. The other big thing that drives me crazy right now is others not seeing what needs to be done and then I feel I have to do it, and I get the anger/resentment/pouty girl attitude. Which in turn expends a lot of energy, and its truly a waste of my time.
Mainly because I have stuck with this toxic stew for so long, no wonder I feel so resentful and exhausted in my life. I keep trying to make things work that don't. Where I am right now in my life, I am tired of running in place, and it stinks.
I whinge about the same things on a daily basis-I don't work out, I don't eat right, my house is a mess and I am constantly tired.
I let this invisible force (the same one that keeps me on the couch after dinner)keep me from doing what I really want to do, and think outside of the box. I can hit the treadmill in the evening rather than the morning. I don't need to wait for my husband to do things-I can just do them myself. I can't be waiting forever. Like, me wanting an elliptical for the last 8 or so years. He wanted the treadmill, so we got the treadmill and I've waited. And waited. And waited. Then he said I'll get one for my birthday. Six weeks later, I am still waiting. I know he's busy but I need his truck and his labor to put it together. Yes I am whining, but its me being honest. Just like I'd do a happy dance for days if the boys (including the puppy dog) would stop leaving a trail of destruction behind them. Especially the little man. Right now, I am looking around the tornado of toys that have invaded my living room. Sure I could make him pick them up, but by the time we're ready for bed, I am done. Stick a fork in me. I don't have the energy or mental capacity to do anything else, and I will wind up yelling. Path of least resistance. Just like I want to walk the puppy dog after dinner, but the siren song of the couch calls to me, and I couldn't even tell you the last time he got walked (thank goodness for a fenced in yard). Its just another gnawing to do item on my list.
#1 & #2 are the end results of #3 & 4. I need to prioritize things in my life, and get eliminate the problems of 3 & 4. So, today's project is to make a top 10 list of what I need to do every day to make me happy and keep my life humming along. After that's done, then I need to figure out how to make it happen.