The Pleasure Principle

Its Thursday morning, I am on the downhill slide of the week. I've realized that I really hate Wednesdays. The Big Man works a 12+ hour day, and its the day that I usually see my best laid plans fall apart. I usually wind up behind the 8 ball on housework and laundry. My eating habits seem to collapse on Wednesdays as well, and don't even mention exercise.
I have done a lot of soul searching about what causes all of this, and its most definately my mindset over everything. I mentally carry many burdens, most of which are unnecessary. I need to remind myself what I need to do everyday:

*breathe
*eat healthy
*move
*tidy up the house
*do laundry
*feed my family delicious food
*enjoy my life & find pleasure in it
*love my family
*love and honor God

Its not a hard list of things to accomplish. But, I struggle with it on a daily basis and a lot of it has to do with me thinking too much. I tend to overthink things, and that's when it gets difficult. I overthink eating healthy for example. And I wind up "sneaking" bad for me stuff. I see how long I can get away with not working out or even really doing my yoga-all the while I am doing serious damage to myself. Same with the whole concept of doing things I love.
I have a confession to make: I bring scrapbooking stuff with me every day to do at lunchtime. I don't scrap most days. I spend my lunchtime zoning out and really not doing much of anything at all. The sad thing is I want to do it, but I just can't get over that mental hump. Its like I deny myself pleasure in life.
Its called the martyr complex, and I definately suffer from it.

Its an ingrained behavior-and I swear its genetic-that I've been doing most of my life. Feel sorry for me! Look how tough things are! I mean, I've been skating on that mindset for years, and obviously its not working.
Last night (Wednesday evening, for those keeping score at home)Little Man had to take a shower. I had a kitchen to clean, laundry to do, order stuff for VBS, and some other housework that needed to get done. I really got nothing accomplished, and all I wanted to do was vegetate on the couch. Which is what I did. It took all the energy I had to do the shower. And I was really close to losing my cool because I really was tired.

The flip side of the martyr complex is just how exhausting it truly is. Being miserable takes a lot of energy. It takes a lot of energy to avoid expending energy. It takes a lot of energy for me to not do what needs to be done. But the mental drain is the worst. And at this point in my life, I've really had enough of it.

I know that I keep saying all of that, and I have made some big positive changes in my life. Its the keep on keeping on that I have a hard time with. And its having a negative effect on my son. He sees me not really being motivated, and then he loses motivation for what he needs to do. The overall sense of exhaustion in our house adds to it-too tired to get after him to do what he's supposed to do every night (put away his toys, tidy up his bedroom, etc)so then I am yelling at him to get ready for bed, and its not pleasant at all.
So then, I go to bed filled with mommy guilt about the house being messy, nagging my son, not doing little things that we enjoy before bed-like reading a story or cuddling. The Big Man is usually asleep, since he had to get up for work at an insanely early hour. Its the whole finding room on the bed for me-between my husband and the puppy dog, I'm the odd gal out. I have a hard time shutting my brain off, and when I do fall asleep its usually pure exhaustion than anything else.

I read an article about improving my energy yesterday (http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/get-energy-back)which made a lot of sense. I acutally do a lot of those things already, if only half heartedly.

I did do a lot of thinking (oh no, there I go again) and I realized that on a lot of levels I am scared to make positive changes in my life. Its the fact that I am afraid to be my best. If I shed the extra pounds, and improve my health, and have a clean house and do all that I really want to do, what do I have to hide behind? What will my excuse be at that point? If I really enjoy my life, how can I be a martyr too? I remember years ago when I was thin and totally in shape, I was uncomfortable with the attention that I got from how I looked. So, I guess I use my size as a way to not feel uncomfortable on one level (and very uncomfortable on a lot of other levels like healthwise). Same thing with housework. I can't whine about being behind on scrapbooking if I do it every day. I lose my excuses, and then I lose my identity.

Time to start losing some of that identity. Time to make the pleasure principle my own.