Every Thing to Everyone

Everything To Everyone lyrics
You put yourself in stupid places
Yes I think you know it's true
Situations where it's easy to look down on you
I think you like to be the victim
I think you like o be in pain
I think you make yourself a victim almost every single day
You do what you do
You say what you say
You try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be everything to everyone
Yeah you do it again
You always do it again
You say they taught you to read and write
Yeah they taught you how to count
I say they tought you how to buy and sell your own body by the pound
I think you like to be their simple toy
I think you love to play the clown
I think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down
Spin around and fall down
Do it again
You stumble and fall
Yeah why don't you ever learn
Spin around and fall down
Do it again
Come on now
Do that stupid dance for me
You do what you do
You say what you say
You try to be everything to everyone
You jump through the big hoop
You play all the right games
You try to be everything to everyone
Spin around and fall down
Do it again
You stumble and you fall
Yeah you do it again
Spin around and fall down
Do it again
You stumble and you fall

http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/everclear-lyrics/everything-to-everyone-lyrics.html





I am tired of living off adrenoline. I've been an adrenoline junkie for as long as I can remember. And its not doing extreme sports or skydiving or anything that fun-its been navigating life.

I have lived off caffeine since I was in my teens. I have a tendency to stay up way too late, and need the coffee high to even function. Its a bad habit, one that I am desperately trying to break myself of, but old habits die hard. It just sets me up for failure, because I don't get enough sleep, and then I've got a caffeine hangover that keeps me from getting a good night's sleep, and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Add to it, I am constantly stressed out. Not over anything significant, but over little things. Like traffic. Or a stain not coming out in the laundry or even my son whining. Its like being stabbed by a thousand sporks-irritating and annoying but definately not fatal. Its these little annoyances that add up to one stressed out momma. I think I missed the day they handed out the stress management tool kit.

And on top of it all, I don't manage my time wisely. I struggle with making time for the things that are really important (like my family) and deal with all else because then I don't have to face the truth. I love my boys more than anything else, but there are days when I feel that I don't deserve such happiness and joy. There, I said it. I most definately have low self-esteem, and I've struggled with it since my teenage years. Its not something to be ashamed of, its just something to battle back against. Deep down inside I know that I am a pretty rocking chick, but I also know that I am also a bit of a non-conformist. I've had a hard time measuring up to other people's standards through the years, and I've tried to be who everyone else has wanted me to be.

All I ever really wanted to do, other than be a writer for Rolling Stone or a teacher or hairdresser, is be a wife and mother. That's it, pretty darn simple. Not that anything is wrong with that-but it didn't quite fit into feminist culture. I needed to be empowered! Who wants to be a Stepford wife? I struggle with that everyday-career vs. home, and I know I can do both.

My dreams came true when I married the Big Man and then we added the Little Man to our family.

But there is that blasted internal struggle. I feel like I need to be doing more, and that's what gets me. So, then I start doing more to prove my worth, and then I get this twisted form of praise-look how busy I am! But its all distractions from the fundamental issue: being torn between what I want for my life and what society seems to want.

But, in this season of my life, I need to get over all that bull about being afraid of what people think of me. I am obviously very competant at work, and capable of leading since I was voted PTO president. I am obviously attractive, my husband still thinks I'm beautiful after all these years and my son tells me I'm pretty when I'm not yelling. When I set my mind to something, I do it and do it well. I am a pretty good cook and baker. And I think I am an awesome mother. My little man has come so far in the last 3 years, and I like to think that the big man & I had a lot to do with it.

I am so tired of feeling like I have to be every thing to every one and be a people pleaser. Its truly exhausting, and honestly I just want to scream stop the world! I want to get off.

The downside, is this so ingrained in me that its a hard habit to break. I make some forward progress, and then I stumble and fall again, backsliding. I think part of it is I like to feel needed-its how I've identified myself. Its a rut I've put myself in, and its hard to navigate out of it. I mean, its not like I am sitting by the phone waiting for someone to call and ask me to come rescue them or anything. But when it does happen, its almost like a rush or something.

Add to it, I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am stressed, and since I am stressed all the time, then I am always eating...actually what the main issue for me, is a sense of control. I can control what I put in my mouth and therefore take control of my life (its like anorexia in reverse). Its not that I am lazy or slow or whatever (hello I just ran a 5k in my best time EVER-even when I was skinny). I think its a matter of pushing it to the limit-will you still like/love me or want to be my friend if I'm huge? Its a buffer zone.

So, here I am, staying up late again while waiting for the little man to fall asleep (that is a whole seperate issue). But, its something that I do every night, and have for the last 3 years. The problem is when I stay up past him falling asleep that is the problem. At least I am doing something somewhat productive. I have my life coaching session in the morning, and I have had a lot of great things happen in the past month.

1. been nominated for a blogher award
2. purged a ton of stuff
3. eating healthier

For me, that's pretty big. Next big step (deep breath here) is taking the next step in declaring my independence. I don't have to keep juggling all these balls and trying to make everyone happy-while I am completely miserable. Do I want the Little Man to remember that when he grows up (and has to go to therapy)? Or do I want him to remember the laughter and fun we had together? I'll take the latter, Alex for 500.


Its the whole putting myself first thing, and its a new journey. Its hard for me to step outside my comfort zone. But for the sake of my family-and my sanity-I need to.