Right Here, Right Now

I had a productive day, not at all what I had planned for it, but great nonetheless.

I decided to tackle my craft supplies. I had numerous shoe boxes, totes and bags with tons of stuff. I mean, I could open my own AC Moore with the stuff I have/had. Most of it dated back to when my sister (who is now 20) was my son's age. I had rubber stamps up the yin yang, many never used. Tons of fabric, that I don't ever recall what I bought it for, and odd bits of yarn (one skein here, one skein there, none of it usable for any other than a doll scarf). While I was going through all this stuff, the Little Man was reading to me, and read me 7 books before he went off to play with his cars.

Then I tackled the hole. Its actually our tornado shelter, but it was so full of stuff that we could probable never get in there if need be. So, I went through the 6 totes of Christmas that I had, and realized that I really didn't like most of that stuff to start with. I had some of it because it was my aunt's (her nutcracker collection) or because I bought it for my first home, or that one of my Sunday school kid's had given it to (many of whom are now married with kids of their own). There is no need to hang onto this stuff because it didn't bring me joy.

I won't get into some of the other emotions that went along with it all. I was just saddened by the fact that I valued my stuff more than the relationships that went along with some of it.

So, my craft supplies (outside of scrapbooking and quilting) fit on a 6 shelf storage unit. All of them. Amazing. 6 totes down to that. All of them, did I mention that? And its stuff I truly, truly love and will actually do. Little Man told me after I was done that he really loves doing crafts with me, and didn't understand why I couldn't because I could never find anything.

Now, I will be able to do things that I want to with him, and be able to find what I am looking for. Its a nice feeling.

To finish up downstairs, I need to sort out the Christmas, Fall and Spring decorations into their own homes. That shouldn't take long, but I need the Big Man to help me with that since there will be heavy lifting involved. He was busy painting the Little Man's new room. He will be moving into my old art studio, and I will be moving into his old room and turning that into an art studio/playroom. Its a much smaller space, hence the need for paring down. However, it is a good feeling to know that I got rid of stuff I don't really need or love.

I won't get into the whole mentality behind the compulsive shopping because I truly can't explain it. I don't know why I do certain things, but it goes back to my teenage years and having my "own" money. I am also a sucker for peer pressure and good advertising (maybe that's why I like Mad Men so much).

After I was done downstairs, I headed to the kitchen. I needed to get rid of stuff in there, because it was driving me crazy. So, two totes later (including duplicates of things that I had) I got all my cabinets cleaned out and organized. I realized that I was a sucker for Pampered Chef products and parties, and most of the stuff was still in boxes 10-15 years later. Ugh. What was I thinking? Oh I know, it was great to see the stuff at the party, but once I got it home, what on earth was I going to do with it?

I make light of all of this, but there is a serious side to it. I guess its some sort of attempt to fill a void in my life. I shop because its an adrenoline rush. I eat because it fills me up on so many different levels. There are some issues that I need to face head on rather than using shopping or eating as an excuse and avoidance. I am avoiding some sort of emptiness in my soul, my very core of being by either eating things that aren't good for me or by buying stuff that I will probably never use. Self flagellation again. I am VERY good at that. I won't get into how much money was spent on all this stuff, but I probably could have 30 or 40 ellipticals by now. And a complete home gym and yoga studio. Namaste.

Since I can't go back and change the past, and the future is unwritten, I can only manage the present. And right here, right now I am figuring out how I am going to get all the stuff to church on Monday for Rummage Collection (honey + truck=success!)After that, I can start over. No more shopping. No more shopping. No more shopping. I have to make that my new mantra.

So, now I have room again in my kitchen cabinets, and will have room in my art studio to actually create art (which is its intended purpose). I have plenty of room for what I love to do-which is quilt, make cards and scrapbook. I have other talents, but that's not what I truly enjoy. Its a matter of focus. And I have to focus on what brings me joy-truly brings me joy. What brings me joy? I love telling a story (obviously), so scrapbooking is all about story telling-its telling the story of my family.

Card making, because its creative, and shares the love I have for the special people in my life. Quilting, which also tells a story in fabric-and shares the love and joy with my family.

When you start a painting, you have a fresh canvas and a clean palette. I am creating a painting of my life. There are two very special men in my life; one big and one little. A puppy dog who loves to give big sloppy wet kisses. They are the main focal points of my painting. A clean, tidy house. Less junk=more love. Its a great background feature. Wonderful meals, prepared with love. Holidays filled with fun and laughter, rather than mommy all stressed out and feeling like a scrooge (and that goes for all holidays and birthdays). Delightful baked goods, with those heavenly smells drifting through the house. Always clean laundry, folded and put away. Ironing done and up to date. Time to read with my son or play a game or whatever. Exercising daily, and having some down time too. Well groomed and manicured (pedicured too!) with some spa time weekly in my own personal spa. No more scampering around to throw things together at the last minute, because I've taken care of them already. I am able to manage my time, because I've planned ahead.

I can create this painting, I have all the tools at my disposal. It really doesn't take that much time in reality to tidy up my house, I just have to keep at it. 15 minutes in the morning to run around with the swifter and feather duster, swish & swipe my bathrooms and empty the dishwasher (all of which can be done as I am drying off after my shower). At night I just need to make sure everything is picked up and put away. Right now its in mass chaos because of the room swap, so I'm not going to even bother right now. That's ok, because by the weekend, we will be able to move the furniture into the little man's new room. And then I can move the stuff out of the living room into the new playroom. I think because everything is in here right now, I am feeling overly anxious and closed in, and its just making it worse for me.

So, back to my painting metaphor. I can create this brilliant masterpiece, if only by putting aside some of the issues I currently wrangle with. Its my house, and its up to me to keep it clean. Its my life, and its up to me to do what I truly love. If it doesn't bring me joy, than it doesn't have any room in my life. Its my family, while I welcome advice and anectdotes, I know what's best for my boys-I am tired of "friends" telling me how to do things, especially when their lives are in chaos. I guess its a bit of building themselves up by tearing someone else down-its like bullies for mommies.

I need a few master brush strokes to get started. Those would be managing my time better. Every morning I need to accomplish 5 things: wake up, exercise, get myself and the Little Man ready, tidy up the house and eat breakfast. That's it-its not rocket science, but I seem to struggle with doing all this with a smile. After I get home from work, I need to do 5 things-stretch out (maybe yoga or a massage or both), have dinner, clean up, pack lunches/make coffee and have some quality family time. Before bed we have baths to take,toys to put away, back packs to pack up, and some stories to read. There are some bright colors splashed about, and they make for a beautiful background.

Then there are the more detailed brush strokes. One of my favorite artists is Monet, and one of my favorite paintings is this bridge over a pond of waterlillies in his garden at Giverny. Right now I am thinking of myself standing in the middle of that bridge, pausing to reflect on where I am heading, from where I've been. Right here, right now.