Independence Day

Its the 4th of July, and its the date the Declaration of Independence was signed-a giant up yours to Mad King George. I am proud to be an American, and am very patriotic. I love the parades, the picnics, the fireworks.

It is also a day of sadness for me. It is the day my grandmother basically died. She had a massive stroke, sitting at the kitchen table next to me. She was eating tortilla chips, and we were toasting with margaritas (that year my theme was southwestern-chips & homemade salsa, margaritas, fajitas, cilantro lime rice and for dessert I had made flan). She was in the middle of a sentence, and slumped over, slurring her words. Of course, she went to the hospital and there I had to make the decision whether or not to sedate her and put her on a vent (it was a temporary measure). Basically, I was being asked do I want to let her go in the ED, or have them take aggressive measures to save her.
She had a hemorraghic stroke, which means there was actually bleeding on the brain. No stroke is good, but this type is the most severe. Its usually due to a clot bursting a small blood vessel in the brain, and its devastating.
I made the wrong decision, and for the next 6 weeks, she hung on. She was angry and frustrated because she was now confined to a wheelchair; unable to do anything on her own (and she was extremely independent), unable to eat or drink unless it was a thickened liquid (the stroke robbed her of her swallow reflex), and her speaking was affected. She begged for herself to die, and it was a slow, agonizing process. Every step of the way, I was there-from the transition from ICU to regular floor to rehab to nursing home. I was at her side when she finally passed to the other side of the veil. It was heartbreaking watching her slowly slip away.

So, since then, I admit that I am not really into the 4th of July. I really need to get over all this and move on, especially for the sake of my son. He really doesn't get to do some of the things that could be more fun for him. Like doing something more exciting than a trip to Walmart on Saturdays. Or hanging around the house, really doing nothing. So I am going to try to get over myself and focus on him. He's what truly matters, and not the selfishness of his mother.

Today I am declaring independence from lots of things: most notably this guilt that has wracked me for years and years and years. I can't live in the shadows like this anymore and second guess decisions I've made in the heat of the moment. I made the decision for my grandmother to live. Was it the wrong one? Maybe, but its what God lead me to do at that moment. I don't know if I heard Him right, but that was the choice I made.
I am also declaring independence from being unhealthy. I am so tired of poor choices that just add to my misery. I am tired of feeling this way, so now I need to focus on what is going to enhance my life. Today, it is making healthy food choices, exercising and resting (not just taking a nap, truly resting). It also is managing my stress levels so I do scream and yell all the time. Its obvious that I am not enjoying my life, and therefore I'm making sure the rest of my family isn't enjoying theirs (if momma ain't happy, then nobody is happy)

So, its time to make a change.

1. its not about me, its about Him. I've noticed that over the last year or so my spiritual life has basically vanished. Its embarrassing for me to admit this, since my prayer life has always been such a force in my life. But I don't do it like I used to and its obviously hurting me. Give the Enemy a foothold, and he will invade.
2. get over myself. Sure, I'm tired and all that. So are a lot of other people yet they manage to clean their houses, cook meals and play with their kids (and they have more than 1). Making all these excuses why I am not able to do x, y or z is getting exhausting. I need to make sure the house is tidy when I go to bed at night, that dinner for the next day is prepped, and that when I leave in the morning the house is tidy. I need to pack lunches with love and not just throw stuff together. I need to do laundry regularly, and actually make an effort to show my family I love them. Cleaning the house and cooking dinner is a sign of love, not punishment.
3. focus on my family. I am tired of trying to juggle it all, and I am exhausted from it. I can't really, because I would make a lousy circus performer. I need to prioritize my life more: God, health, family, house, work, all else. I have to use those categories as a measure-where does this fall on my scale? If it doesn't fall into those categories, I need to seriously re-think why I'm doing it. I am still so overly tired that I can't focus on what matters most, and its hurting my relationship with my husband, son and even the puppy dog.

So, today I declare independence in my life.