Crash

Day two of Vacation Bible School is in the books and tonight is the final night. Then I will begin immersing myself into the Christmas pageant, which is only a few months away-and needs to be planned NOW. Its amazing to think how far in advance I need to plan for things. I've learned a lot from VBS this year, and how much work goes into it. Basically, I need to plan now for next year. And since the curriculums are already out for next year, I know what I am going to do next year, and it starts in January (6 month lead time). I've been learning as I go, and believe me there is a huge learning curve.
My bottom line is that I want what's best for the kids and what's going to bring them to church and a relationship with Jesus.

Yesterday morning, before we left the house, my son looked up at me and said, "Mommy, today was so nice. You didn't yell". That just broke my heart. I really need to get my priorities straight and remember that he is my number one (with the big man).
I really struggle with getting out of the house in the morning, and I know I blow my stack on a regular basis because we're trying to leave, and there is a tight timeline every morning. We need to get up, get dressed, eat breakfast and get out of the house by 7:30. I have no patience, mainly because the little man finds ways to procrastinate. He's learned from the master!
Like right now, I am procrastinating about exercising, tidying up and getting my day on. I do that with a lot of things, and part of me is incredibly frustrated by it and the other part of me wants to get my butt in gear and be highly disciplined again.
I am on a crash course with this, and the little man gets the brunt, especially in the mornings.
The frustration level is what really gets me more than anything else. I think its the fact that I want to walk the dog, but don't. I want a clean house but I don't get it all done, and I get overwhelmed. I've been making slow, steady progress and I have great ideas, but its the implementation of it that is hard. Like my room a day cleaning. I have done it, hit or miss style for years. Its just not consistent, and that's why my house looks like it does.
Or my feed the freezer plans. Once again, hit or miss, and my family pays the price by me not doing what I need to do to make sure we have healthy meals to eat. But, once again nothing consistent.
And then there is the whole workout thing...once again, hit or miss. I know how important it is for my overall health, but I just can't get over this wall (or around it, or through it). And eating healthy too, I try but I seem to lose my resolve at around 2:30 every day, if not before.
SO, in order to get my life back and have it revolve around what truly matters (family #1; joy, peace and serenity), I need to rebuild my framework for my life.
1. family. I will admit that I am not present most of the time when I am home (thanks to my blackberry) and its not fair to my boys. when I am not surfing the web or doing other stuff, I will be in the zone with them-but that is not always the case. school is starting in a few weeks, and I need to break these bad habits.
2. home. I think about doing the daily cleaning and all that, but I don't get off the couch and DO.
3. meals/food. I have plans, and it doesn't always mean that they happen.
4. exercise. once again, great plans and not a lot of reality.

Basically, I need to regroup and replan things.
I really don't know how some other women do it-work full time, juggle everything else with their families. If someone has some advice, I am all ears. Part of my problem is that I do get resentful-how come I have to do all this blank...even though the big man cooks dinner, cleans up and does all this other stuff. He does so much more than a lot of husbands, but there are times when I don't think that its good enough. I guess its this whole poverty mindset I get into. I get stuck in thinking that my life is so hard-and its not, really. I have a job, a home, nice things in addition to good health and a loving family. I've got a lot of bonuses in my life, and I seem to hyperfocus on all the bad things or the things that don't get done.
At one point in time, I did look at taking care of my home as blessing my family, and I don't know where I lost that loving feeling. But I do need to get it back, big time. Until that comment yesterday, it didn't really hit home that all I do is affecting my little man. And my big man too. It really clicked that I have the potential to make his childhood miserable, and that's the direction its heading because I can't get over myself.
Step one today-just relax, breathe and remember its only temporary. I don't need to put any more negativity into the world, there is enough of that already. I do need to be more present and focused.
Be grateful for all the blessings that I have (and there are a lot of them!) and not look at what I don't have. Look at what I've got not what I don't have. This glass is half empty thinking is not doing me any favors, in fact its causing me to be miserable. I need to slow down and refocus before I have some sort of bad collision