Blur

Wednesday, again.
I survived day 1 of Vacation Bible School. It actually went well, and I got over my nervousness and stress about it. Day 2 is tonight. I never realized how much I need that nap after work and how I depend on it-won't be having it for the next few days either. By 9 PM, I was dragging. Add to it, we had the end of the year party for my son's camp and dinner. Then it was rush rush rush to VBS, then home, then have the little man take a shower and get ready for bed. It was a blur. All I know is that I dropped into bed, and collapsed, that was it.
It just seems like my whole life is a blur right now, and I am not exactly enjoying it. I don't seem to have any connection, other than being the mean mommy. Its showing with the little man too. He has been struggling as well lately, and I don't know how to stop it. I feel powerless, and it scares me. There's a lot that is scaring me lately-I feel like everything is caught in a whirlwind and I am unable to stop it.
I know I need to work on my own frustration and anger issues, and its a problem. I get so easily frustrated by everything it seems. I get frustrated when I clean the house, and 15 minutes later its a mess. I get frustrated at myself when I don't eat healthy-despite all my intentions. I get frustrated by everything in my life it seems right now. I think that its all about growth and change-I've been making all sorts of positive changes in my life lately, and as a result I'm struggling because my personality isn't too sure what to make of it. I'm trying to make my life-and as a result, my whole family-better and yet, I feel like I am backsliding.
Its a regular struggle in my life. I should be used to this by now. And I need to keep reminding myself that the little man feeds off my energy, and if I am stressed or negative or angry, he's going to feed off it. And boy is he ever! He's been onery lately, and getting mouthy. Its like we went back in time to a not so happy place. So I have to reverse course and start over again. I don't want this to continue, because its not really my little man-obviously there is something bothering him (and I am pretty sure its me). Part of it is a lack of consistancy-like the the to do list, the point system-that once its done for a little while, it fades away.