Tuesday, November 30, 2010

7 days

7 days from now, I will be preparing for a new.chapter in my life. Surgery. No more humpy. I will be able to.do so much more with my life. I will be able to twist & bend for the first time in a decade. I will be able.to lay on my stomach again. It.won't be a struggle to give my son a bath. I can tidy up without struggling. I can live a normal life.

I just need to lay on a table with my guts spewed out for.several hours next Tuesday morning. I should be done & in my room by lunchtime. Then it will be a sleepy afternoon.

In the meantime crazy cat is getting fixed today.

I've got so much stuff going on this week, when all I want to do is be with my family. I just want to spend time with my boys. I've realized that being so busy all the time really sucks. Six or so months ago I promised my son that I would be home more...and I've tried really hard. But I'm still super busy & I'm not enjoying it. Sorry but its the truth.

Im really tired of running, running, running.

Actually, what frustrates me the most is the fact that I am beholden to others. It's like my surgery is inconveniencing THEM.


But its how I feel. It's the holidays, and I know its crazy for.everyone. that being said, I want to enjoy the holidays with my.family & not be crazy with other people's issues & events.

Stop the madness.

I want to hunker down with the 2 people & 2 pets that matter most in my life.

I don't need extra stress in my life anymore. I'm tired of it all. It's of my own making, which is even more frustrating. I have a hard time saying no. I don't know how to put my hand down. I.feel guilty if I say no.

I think.that this long post surgical recovery will have a huge benefit for me. I will have to.say no.

No I can't bake cookies.

No i can't run the games at your holiday party.

No I can't throw a classroom party together in 3 days.

No I can't do x, y or z.

It's really sucking the life out of me.

And despite me saying that I.don't want to.do.this.anymore, and have been , saying this for years. But I still do. I get caught in the moment...I guess I want to feel needed.

My family needs me.

So I reiterate what I said in May. Family first. Then work. Then church and Pto.  Then anything else. If it isn't going to support my goals of happiness & peace; if it is going to cause undue stress or harm; or if it is going to require too much additional time for me to be involved...its a no.

For.so many years I've linked my self worth to what I can do & how much of it I do...like an eager puppy trying to please his master. But its not happiness.

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