Friday, November 05, 2010

Mama Said knock you out

It's Friday. Another sleep study and I get to miss another night with my family.


I don't get enough time with them to begin with. Last night we watched How to Train Your Dragon, which was really cute. It was the Thursday edition.of family movie night.

I love being a mom. I love my son more than anything else in this world. Being a parent has changed my perspective on life. I am much more protective & I want only the best for my little man. Almost everything I do is related somehow, someway to make his life better.

I wasn't sure I was going to have this opportunity.

Many years ago, along with planning my dream wedding, I planned my dream family. A little boy named Nicholas, a little girl named either Olivia or Victoria. A beautiful center hall.colonial in a tree lined suburb. A dog. Me being Martha Stewart-esque. My kids being overachievers both academically and athletically. My husband & I playing doubles tennis together, and me running much more.  The house is always clean & I make wonderful gourmet meals. I have a kick butt sense of style & always look good. Everyone comments about how wonderful my family is.

Then reality came knocking.

It's not that I don't love my family-because I do-its just that dreams die hard. I had that dream since I was 9 or 10, long before I ever met the Big Man, long before I had any idea what it really took to be a wife and mother.

Fast forward to today.

I realized that the undercurrent of resentment that flows through my life has to do with dreams vs. Reality. I've disappointed myself by my life not living up to the fantasy state. Of course, it wont since in dreamworld there really isn't any laundry to do, or litterboxes to scoop or floors to mop. Some women have fantasies of George Clooney or Brad Pitt; mine are of a clean house & a well stocked fridge. For my whole family to be on the same page.

Underneath it all however, is the thought that Im some sort of fake or.fraud. maybe it has to do with the disconnect between where I want to be and where I really am.

There is a phenomena called displacement of self; it happens when you look in the mirror & don't recognize the person looking back at you. Most mommys I know experience it somewhat frequently. I get that shock when I look at what I truly look like rather than the reality.

My reality is that I am a mom. I am responsible for making sure my son is well fed & well cared for. I need to make sure he has clean clothes & that homework is done. I need to kiss his hurts and hug the pain away. I give baths and discipline. I read bedtime stories and cuddle.

Yet many days I feel its not enough. I hear other parents talking about all that they do with their kids, and I'm worried my guy is missing out. Obviously something we are doing is working because little man is smart, athletic and funny. He's got charisma and natural leadership skills.

There's a lot in common with his parents. And by parents, I mean us. Me and the big man. Sure I may not have physically given him life, but in the spiritual sense I did. In Hebrew the word ruach means both breath & spirit. In my mind our little family, we provide the ruach to each other. We are a trio, a pentagon with the pets. We support & protect one another. And I'm the definitive mamma bear.

And by twists of fate, here I am today.

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