Saturday, July 16, 2011

let it be

I had a bit of self revelation today. Usually, these epiphanies happen in the shower, but every so often, they happen elsewhere.

Today’s was at my desk in my office.

I made the realization that a lot of the issues I have all go back to that feeling not good enough, silly as it may sound. I have spent most of my 41 years never feeling quite right in my skin, and it’s the reason why I have so many issues letting go into certain asanas (see my post, Bent, for more details on that). It’s the reason why I really don’t stick with a diet or exercise regime for very long, because I feel that its just not worth it. Lately, its been clouding my relationship with the Little Man. He’s picking up on my neursosies.

Most of my life I’ve pretended to be perfect. Notice I say pretended, because only God is perfect and I most certainly am not God. I’ve been so uptight and anal about things in my life because I felt that I needed to be tightly wound to keep the world from spinning out of control.

Of course, all truly is well in the world, whether or not I am micromanaging things. I made the conscious choice on my 41st birthday that I was going to just enjoy life. I decided to let go of grudges I’ve held onto for years. I silently forgave people, not for their sake, but for my own. An interesting phenomena took hold after this-I have been sleeping better than I have in years. Seriously, since Sunday, I’ve been sleeping soundly and deeply as well as waking up restored. The constant pain I’ve had in my upper back, that the chiropractor and masseuse could never quite seem to get rid is gone.

Holding onto all that negativity did not do me one ounce of good. All it did was make a dark cloud hang over my head. It made me sad, and wanted me to bring others to the same place I was. I wanted them to feel my pain, and how.

Its not like I even have anything majorly wrong with my life. I have a great husband and son. I love my dog and cat. I live in a beautiful house, in a nice neighborhood in a good school district. I have a great job that I love. We are all in good health. We lead a great life, and I am truly blessed.

I don’t keep score with my son. He is a child and he is bound to make mistakes. Once its done, its done and nothing can go back in time to change it. There’s a great prayer in the New Zealand prayer book that I go back to time and again:

Lord, it is night.

The night is for stillness.

Let us be still in the presence of God.

It is night after a long day.

What has been done has been done;

what has not been done has not been done;

let it be.

The night is quiet.

Let the quietness of your peace enfold us,

all dear to us, and all who have no peace.

The night heralds the dawn.

Let us look expectantly to a new day,

new joys, new possibilities.

In your name we pray. Amen.

What has been done has been done-let it be. That’s so true of being a parent. I can’t change things once they happen. What I can change is my reaction to it and how long am I going to make him pay for a mistake. Usually, its an immediate punishment (or not, depending on the infraction) and then its in the past. I don’t bring up to him what he did Thursday last that was wrong. What good could possibly come out of that?

The same with my husband…why good would come out of mentioning all he has done wrong? Would I want him to bring up my imperfections? How could that possibly make our marriage stronger or happier?

You can’t love someone unconditionally and keep score at the same time.

I believe also, that you can not hug or kiss your loved ones too much. Every time we part (and I am awake, when the Big Man goes to work at 2:30 AM does not count) we tell each other we love each other and get a hug and kiss. We eat dinner at the table together almost every night. We do things as a family, from watching TV to having a picnic to playing Wii bowling. I want him to remember those things when he grows up.

I don’t want him to remember his mother being unhappy or blaming the world for all her misfortunes. Those misfortunes could be a blessing in disguise.

If I didn’t have an issue with infertility, I would not be the Little Man’s mother.

If he didn’t have autism, he would not have been available for adoption.

If we weren’t looking for a change, we would have never moved to South Dakota,

If we had never moved to South Dakota, we never would have become foster parents.

There are so many good things that have come out of something possibly negative.

The world is a cruel, bad, evil place sometimes. Bad things happen. Its how you deal with the bad that makes or breaks you.

And I show unbelievable fortitude.

What is done, is done.

Let it be,

1 comment:

Richella said...

Amen. Let it be. I love that prayer from the New Zealand prayer book! What a way to end each day.

Thanks for linking to Grace Imparted. I'm hoping to host this party every week. If you wouldn't mind linking this post back to the party, I'd appreciate it--I need to get the word out. Thanks so much!