Sabotage

In approximately three hours, I will embark on an epic journey. We will leave town as a cozy family of three, and return as a family of four.

A lot of emotions and anxiety have turned up as a result of this. I admit that I am still a bit bitter over being infertile. Emotions that I thought I had moved beyond have bubbled to the surface again. I can’t help it, I am the way I am.
Some folks see me as damaged goods.
I know One who sees me as whole, and a magnificent creation. He has designed a plan too complex for me to even comprehend at this moment. When it appears I am at my darkest point, a hand comes to bring me up out of the pit.

Most of the responses I have heard when I say we are adopting a 14 year old pierce my heart. What’s wrong with her? You’re brave, that’s such an awful age. Teenagers are great in small doses.
So grateful for the positive feedback.

Being around a 14 year old has forced me to resolve some of the conflict I have let linger since then. I have a lot of body image issues that I need to get confront. I have used food to stuff emotions for as long as I could remember. Part of me is screaming to be heard, but part of me feels that I don’t deserve any attention and that I must atone for past sins. So, as a result, whenever I have started to achieve any modicum of success, including in a relationship, I begin to sabotage myself. I pick fights, I eat, I become lazy and slothful. Its this feeling that I don’t “deserve” to be happy, to look good, to have a good life.

Its taken me years to identify this pattern of stinking thinking, and to see how it permeates and invades all aspects of my life.

Post op, I lost almost 49 lbs. I was looking f-i-n-e, Fine. I was almost a size 12. I was starting to get “noticed”. In fact, I even had someone attempt to flirt with me.
I got scared.
I started eating again. Well, I always ate. Instead of choosing healthier things, I started choosing junk. To be perfectly honest, I would rather have eggs Florentine with goat cheese than an egg mc muffin, but I ate the egg mc muffin over and over again. And I stopped working out.

My house slowly got messy again, because I wasn’t spending the time taking care of it on a daily basis. And I started down that slippery slope again.

And its filtered into relationships. Some days I have to pinch myself that I am married to the Big Man, that how did I wind up with him?…and now its getting into the whole bit on parenting. Am I a good parent? Am I doing the best that I can be? To make matters worse, some people I know make me second guess myself more than I care to admit. I love the comments, are you sure about that???
Well, honestly, no I am not sure. And I also didn’t ask your opinion, either. But I digress.

Having worked in youth ministry for as long as I have, with as many teenagers as I have taught and ministered to, I know what I am getting into with a 14 year old. Its convincing others that I know what I am doing that I struggle with.

Deep down inside I *know* just what a rock star I truly am. I know that its ok if I look good or eat healthy or even, gasp, someone flirts with me. I know that I am a pretty darn good homemaker, even if its not up to the same standards of those who are stay at home moms or those who live alone. I know I am a pretty awesome cook, and lots of people like my recipes. But most of all, I know that I am beyond a good mom. I am a great mom. Its evident in the relationship that I have with my son, and how we just love each other so unconditionally. I hope that in time, I can have that same relationship with my daughter.