Friday, August 19, 2011
Stuck On You
I have a yoga co-conspirator who also is a Reiki practitioner. Afterclass last weekend, we trolled the farmers market and had a chance to visit. Ialways enjoy talking to her because she is incredibly positive, no matter whatis going wrong in her world. Its something that I like to aspire to be like,but I am so far from it right now.
We had not seen each other since late spring, just due to busyness andall that jazz summer brings. I reckon I have gained over 40 lbs since the lasttime we hung out. To say she was shocked was an understatement. Believe me, Iwas shocked at how fast the weight came back.
But it did.
I had already decided to make positive changes, but were taking babysteps towards them. Limiting high fructose corn syrup is the big one. Eatingbetter. Exercising more. Drinking more water. The usual suspects…
She mentioned that I had stuck energy. I wasn’t making anyprogress towards healing, and it was so obvious to her. She and I had visitedabout the I word before, when she gave me a healing before I had surgery. Iwanted to hold out a little more hope…what rather did me in recently isthe fact that people who didn’t think they could ever get pregnant, did.I felt betrayed.
Since I was so fixated on the fact that I could not have children, mybody manifested itself where I looked pregnant. The hardest thing is eventhough I am the mom to two amazing children, deep down inside, I know they arenot mine. They don’t have my eyes or the Big Man’s smile or thoselittle things. I never felt them grow or kick inside me. I didn’t havethat joy of finding out I was going to give life to someone else. I didn’tdo the pregnant waddle. I didn’t get the joy of designing a nursery
orpicking a name. The worst of it all, is I feel shame. Shame that I could notgive my husband the one thing most wives or even one night stands could do.
Shame that I was less of a woman to him.
Shame that made me feel less than attractive to him, shame that I wasn’ta whole woman.
I began to retreat inside myself, and that is never a good thing.
This is all stuck chi, apparently.
It needs to get unstuck.
So today, I release into the world all those baby dreams. I can’tgo back and change the past. I can do things to manifest a beautiful future,but what I really need to do is focus on the present.