Bang on

Keeping your head on straight this time of year can be a challenge, to say the least. There are presents to be bought & wrapped; houses to decorate, cookies to bake, carols to sing and so on. And, as women we need to do it all with a smile.


I made a conscious decision this season to say no. I am not stressing about things like I have in the past. I am not caught up in the whole buy-buy-buy compulsion. My body is healing still. My heart is still heavy. My soul aches for all the turmoil I have been through. I am grieving, not just an actual loss, but the loss of a dream. It is hitting me now, as the proximity of the holidays draws near. I hurt, not just physical pain but an empty void that is there that I refuse to stuff with distractions.

I made the choice this year that I am not going to go all Martha Stewart crazy with the holidays. I still tire easily, and my endurance is not there. My disorganization level has doubled if not more, coupled with the fact that I was immobile following surgery for a few weeks.

I refused to over indulge this season and have instead made the choice to limit meat and dairy in my life. I feel better and not as sluggish. I am slowly adding yoga back in. I am walking more, and working on building up my endurance. I am taking care of myself, body and soul. I can ill afford retribution from my body for taking it for granted, as I have for far too long.

Healing both inside and out, especially during the holidays is a daunting task. I have realized that I have allowed other things to distract me from some of the pain and grief I have felt for a long time. I overindulged my son because I felt guilty he was an only child. I did things because I was supposed to: baked when I didn’t feel like baking, decorated over the top because that’s what you did, went all out on a Christmas letter. One year, I wound up going to about thirty different stores looking for the “perfect” gift for someone, only to receive something that had no thought put into it at all. That was when I knew it was around the bend. I was using the trappings of the season without looking at the beauty surrounding me. None of that matters if you forget what the real purpose of the season is.

For the last several years, I have been consciously working on following my bliss; to make myself and my needs a priority. I have slowly excised things and people from my life who do not support that vision. Life is too short, and my cancer scare last year proved it to me.

Yes, I will bake this year, but some gingerbread cookies so my son can decorate them. Maybe pizzelles, because my husband likes those. My chocolate peanut butter blisses because those are my favorite. Other than that, sorry I am not doing any others. Maybe I will mail cards, maybe I won’t. I’m on the fence right now, and not sure if I really want to invest all that time in it. We are having a simple Christmas dinner. I am not stressing out about anything.

Instead, I value my time, sitting by the Christmas tree, watching the lights twinkling, drinking my hot cocoa. I am enjoying creating memories with my son. I am liking the fact that I am healing, both inside and out. Most of all, I like the fact that I am reconnecting with what truly matters this season.