Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Everybody Doesn't Love Raymond

We don't have cable. We got rid of it almost two years ago, and don't miss it. There are other tv viewing options, like Netflix, that work just fine. The only issue is that the keeper of the remote likes a lot of programs I don't. 

For example, everybody loves Raymond. I'm not much of a sitcom fan to start with, but this show in particular irked me more than others.

After him binge watching it over the last several days, it hit me why I didn't like it.

It was like my own life, in a weird way.

The mother, Marie, favors her younger son, Raymond, over his brother, Robert. Robert is steadfast, and does everything he can to get the attention & love of his parents, to no avail. His brother is perfect is his mom's eyes especially. 

That is basically my life. My mom favors my sister, and really makes no apologies over it either. I'm the one who has always been there, and I'm the one who doesn't get the attention or affection I could/should. Yet, I continue to bang my head against the wall in hopes "it might change".

It doesn't matter how old you are, hearing you've done good from a parent is so important. I know for myself as a mom, I work very hard at filling my kidfo's love bucket daily. I know firsthand what it's like when yours is empty. Or has holes in it, from backhanded compliments or biting remarks. It's really hard to deal with it as a kid, and that insecurity does dog you as an adult too. 

I had hoped that one day I would get that much wished for closure, but it won't happen. I realize that now. I'm not 100% ok with that yet, because I need to grieve that loss too. It's hard to explain to people why I keep letting myself get sucked into the drama, when I know it's bad for me. 

Because it's my family. Because I'm desperate for connection. Because I'm jealous of others who have that connection with their moms, and I wanted that. 

It has taught me, as a mom, that my kiddo is my numero uno priority. Everything I do revolves around helping him to grow up to be an amazing human being. Sometimes it requires me to be a helicopter parent, other times it means stepping back and watching from the sidelines. Either way, I do my best to help him to grow up happy, smart, well adjusted and knowing that he is loved unconditionally. 

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