Icarus

Its back to school time, and in a few short days my Little Man will be a fourth grader. I am amazed at how fast time flies as he grows up.
Back to school always makes me giddy. I loved school as a child, and to this day I still love learning. During my 20’s and into my 30’s, I took full advantage of all that Princeton University had to offer for community lectures and classes. I belonged to several book groups. I took classes at the community school, and cooking classes at Williams Sonoma. I thirsted after knowledge. After I got married, due to the newlywed bliss, I stopped chasing after lifelong learning. As time went on, I read less and went thirsty. Becoming a mother, I focused on my child learning, and became increasingly parched.
Its only fairly recently that I realized that I miss learning new skills. I miss the opportunity to conquer the unknown. I miss making me better.
I don’t quite know why I stopped growing and learning. I think part of me was afraid that if I did, I wouldn’t fit into the little wife box that I put myself in. Part of it also was that I wanted to spend every waking moment with my beloved, and I couldn’t bear to be apart, and then it just grew into homeostasis. I was afraid that I might change too much, and no longer be recognizable. I clipped my own wings.
Now, I am not as needed by my child. He is more mature. He reminds me he is a tween, and therefore capable of doing things ALL BY HIMSELF. He doesn’t need me to help with the day to day things that even six months ago I was needed for. I have been replaced by independence. Of course, I am still needed to help with long division and fractions and checking homework. Once upon a time, we would lie together on a blanket on the floor, with his head on my stomach, both reading a book. I couldn’t tell you the last book I really read and enjoyed. I don’t have the mental capacity or veracity to do so.
There are many things that used to be beloved that have been shed, like a hermit crab sheds his old shell, yet no new home has been found. Yet.
After breaking my leg, I have had THE TIME to think, and remember, and reminisce. I miss learning new things. I miss my crossword puzzles, and reading new books, and learning new things. Even if I didn’t like the book group’s selection, I loved being able to discuss why I didn’t like it. These are very much part of me, the same as sinew and bone. I need to continue to learn, challenge myself and grow. Homeostasis works but for a fleeting moment, at least in the Dee-niverse. So I am in search of opportunities to flap my wings and fly. I downloaded some apps, printed a few crossword puzzles and put on my big girl panties. I will indeed soar.

Control

Isaiah 41:13
New International Version (NIV)

13 For I am the LORD your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

To live is to grow, and in order to grow-you need to change. Change is fear inducing. I am still the kind, caring person I was 20 years ago but I've refined the rough edges. I have grown up a lot in those years. I've been able to make my dreams come true on many levels. During that time, there has been a lot of fear and even more tears.
I am definitely not as much of a type a personality than I used to be. It is a source of frustration because deep down inside, that part of me hasn't changed. What has changed is that I surrendered the surface of my day to day operations. I am no longer that dynamo who thrived off order and detail and planning.

You just have to look at my house to see it.
My grout is dirty.
I don't iron very often.
I don't enjoy baking anymore.
Things go undone.

You just have to look at me to see that things have changed.
I'm overweight.
I cheat on my diet hourly.
My exercise board on Pinterest gets more of a workout than I do.

One of the biggest sources of frustration for me is I make plans, plans fall through daily, hourly, minute by minute. My son likes the planning, because that goes hand in hand with autism. He likes my charts and lists. I'm working on time management skills with him, and he's getting better. However, it's sputtering progress-two steps forward, a few backward steps.

The worst part are the nay sayers in my life, who seem to drown out my cheerleaders. I know what I need to do to be successful, but I don't do it. In fact, that emotional paralysis has taken hold. I let this chorus of negativity topple my self confidence and stop my forward progress. Some of these people would prefer for me to fall flat on my face for their own selfish reasons.

The bottom line is I either man up and take back the control over my life, or forever hold my peace. There are some that will not appreciate the reinsertion of my spinal column, but it's necessary surgery. I have to go back to being who I am, and not worry about it affecting anyone else. The joy steamers have their own agenda-whether it's an attempt to make themselves feel better, or they just are plain out mean. For some people, there's a lot at stake if I don't take control again. I'm not here to build up your self esteem by tearing me down.

Change is scary, there is no doubt about it. You are stepping out in darkness, not sure where your foot will fall. Taking that first step is easier when Someone is holding your hand.