Saturday, September 15, 2007

Existential Meltdown, take 2

I cleaned out my closets and drawers for the most part yesterday and have several bags of clothes to donate. I do this rather frequently, and I am really tired of buying things because I think that I need them. Or to get by until I find something that I love. So, I wear things that I am not really crazy about because I don't think that I deserve better. Hmmm....there is a pattern going on here. I have to admit I am an avid shopper. Some people hunt, others run marathons, I shop. I love trying on new clothes-its almost like changing my identity. I love shoes and make up too. Its funny because I've gone through a period recently where I really didn't care about how I looked. Hmmm.....there is a pattern going on here.
Basically I've begun to care again. I think I needed to wallow in my own pity and misery to get to this point. A lot of has to do with the infertility thing. Its the elephant in the room, and I try to avoid thinking about it, but it is there. Its very painful when month after month after month you try hope pray wish that it would happen. Then it doesn't. Then you get the news that it will never happen. And you get sad. Very sad. But you keep it all inside because you are a good girl and you don't want to burden anyone else with your problems. Or you just feel like no one else understands you. You don't want to blame anyone else, because ultimately it is your own body who has failed you miserably. But there is a layer of blame-if we had started trying sooner, if we had done x y z...not that it matters because you can't change the past. Its done now and its time to move on. But moving on is so hard, because you begin to let your pain take on an identity of its own. Its personal, its yours. You want to be stuck because its easier than admitting that you failed.
I've let this seething, simmering rage consume me for a long time. I haven't really been able to enjoy things that I should be enjoying because I've let this be at the forefront. And I keep letting it stay there. I am becoming very bitter and I am not happy about it. I think that is why I find excuse after excuse for not doing things that I once enjoyed. I keep punishing myself because I don't deserve to be happy. That I label failure with everything.
I can't explain why I have these feelings, or what to do about them. All I know is that I am tired of it, and I need to do something. Its like I try to be someone I am not and I get caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I know what my strengths are on the domestic front. Its just I'd rather sit on the couch and stare blankly at the tv screen than to admit that I am not happy and my creativity-my chi-my life force-is blocked. And blocked in a way that I am making everyone else around me miserable.
I can't really blame anyone else for my predicament. Its all on me and that's the scariest part of it-its my fault. I let myself get tot this point. Its like the fact that I never seem to lose any weight. I don't take care of myself the way that I should, like if I really truly valued myself. Instead, I muddle through and make do and am miserable all the time. Its not depression, its self loathing that I suffer from. I don't lose weight because somewhere inside me I feel I don't deserve to eat better. I love salad. Do you think I eat it? No, I'd rather eat junk. Because its easier and I have the immediate gratification of my blood sugar rushing to new highs. The problem is it will crash. And then the cycle starts over again. And again. And again.
fast forward 35 minutes or so....
I went on the treadmill. Had an awesome workout. I feel good. Part of my issue is not making the time for these things. Its easier to do nothing than to challenge myself. And that is my biggest issue is inertia. From childhood onward, I've suffered from a huge blockage about failure. I don't like to fail. I think part of it has to do with being rewarded for success and pummeled into dust when I failed. High expectations were always placed on me, for I was the golden child. And when I didn't meet those expectations, I was ignored, belittled and worst of all, not feeling like I was loved.
To this day, I still have those feelings. Its only fairly recently that put two & two together. I think because I still feel like I have to prove my worth daily (even though I don't) it exhausts me. I have a hard time just being. Its like I always feel like I have to be doing something, and then I don't...and I punish myself for it. There are times when I just need to rest, to take a bit of a sabbath from life, and I don't.
Its the same problem I think that plagues my mother. She surrounds herself with things-projects that she willon eday do, maybe. Things that a reminder of a life not lived, and I think it paralyzes her. It paralyzes me. I look around my house and think that I am not living how I should be. I should be full of joy and love and happiness. Instead, I am inert. Paralyzed.
I have to put the clothes that I am donating in a bag and put them in the trunk of my car to drop off next week. I have to tidy up the house, run the vacuum and dishwasher. I have laundry going. I need to defrost dinner for the next few days. Tweeze my eyebrows and touch up my nails. Look presentable.
I know that my husband loves me unconditionally. That is not an issue. But when I am feeling unlovable, which I have been for a while, I wonder. I wonder if his eyes wander. To someone younger, prettier, firmer, fertile. To someone who would be a better homemaker and not a shopper. To someone who was happier. He's my last stop on the relationship express. I'm not going to lie, I do find other men attractive-if I didn't my emotions would be completely dead. But its always in comparison to him. Sure George Clooney is nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to be with him. My husbnad makes me laugh in way sI didn't think I could laugh. He makes me feel life, and see life in a different way. Its just we haven't really been connecting lately. He's stressed out from his job, and I am just stressed. We try and try and try, and there hasn't been anything there on my end. I've been feeling hollow and empty, and punishing him for it.
As a new season approaches, I am approaching life as its meant to be lived.

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