Sunday, November 25, 2007

Giving Thanks, a Few Days Later

We're past Thanksgiving, and heading full tilt into Christmas. It was a beautiful day here so it was perfect to do outdoor decorations. The tree is up, and the decorations are out of the basement and ready to be put up. I just needed to take a little break before I start on them. I love Christmas-it really is my favorite holiday (Halloween is a close second). I love to decorate and now that I've got the living room of my dreams, I am really, really happy. We bought new furniture that really reflects my taste-think trendy, Tribeca loft and you get the idea. It might not be practical for a 5 year old and a puppy dog, but it works for me.
I found a new job and I am excited and scared to go back to work full time. I am excited because I need the consistancy and stability of working the same schedule. It will be good for Little Man too, as well as the rest of the family. I really thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I didn't seem to get anything done, and I was falling into a deep funk. I think I need that identity that working in my field gives me. I've been rather coasting along for a long time and I didn't seem to be going anywhere. Its not just that identity, its feeling like I am doing something with my life. For the last few years, I've been listing aimlessly. I don't get much accomplished at home (obviously). I don't do things that I really ought to do because I feel like I have all the time in the world, since I am at home. But then I scramble right before my husband comes home to get things done. I am always scrambling. I really can't handle a lot of free time. I need that structure (maybe I am autsitic too, who knows). I like to know what I am doing and when. Plus, I think about what I used to be able to accomplish when I worked full time vs. now. I was able to do volunteer work, go to Bible study, attend lectures, go to my book group. I had a life. Now, I feel like I am not doing anything with my time. I am just taking up space
Going back to work full time will be putting a bit of stress on my family, no doubt. But, on the other hand I think that by having more focus might benefit us all. I feel like I've been drowning for the longest time. Maybe I spend too much time with the family. I lose my temper a lot and very quickly over very trivial things. I've basically lost my enthusiasm for life. Its sad to admit but its true. I shop because I am very bored with how things are. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I felt like I was constantly having to prove myself to people that I once was smart, beautiful, talented, successful and wanted. It is difficult to explain to people how I feel inside.

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