Bad Day

I don't remember who sang this, but it was all over the radio about 4 or 5 years ago.

It seems when I step up the meditation and spiritual discipline, instead of positive things happening, I get more negativity than I can handle. Yesterday was just bad overall. I can't seem to gain any ground in my life some days-and yesterday was one of them. The day started off badly and like a virus, infected my entire family. The poor little man & I had tears and misery before we even left the house. Its because we both were overtired and disorganized. That just sets things up for a massive fail-and it did.
I did a bit of soul searching about it, and I realized that the checklists are so important. We need to use them, and I can't assume that the little man has them memorized. He needs to know what is expected of him CLEARLY before we get the day going-the same thing at bedtime. I won't give him an afterschool checklist, because it wouldn't get used anyway. He needs the time to blow off steam (although I think homework could get started a little sooner).
I will admit that I feel very frustrated right now, and its only myself to blame. I am binging on junk food like there's no tomorrow. Since Lent ended, I am consuming copious amounts of regular coke and Dr. Pepper-like I am making up for lost time. I am eating junk food even if I am not hungry. Its like I am sabotaging myself and setting myself up for failure. As soon as I see forward progress, I tend to backslide so completely its like an avalanche. On a lot of levels, I work very hard and as a reward I like a little praise. Everyone loves to hear good job. I get that from my paid employment, and even from my volunteer work. Nothing makes me feel better than hearing from my boss that I do awesome work or a thank you during the day. Maybe I am a gratitude junkie, but I have a need to hear it on a regular basis outside of work. I like to hear that the house looks good, thanks for doing the laundry, dinner tastes great. I also like to hear that I look good, that I did a nice job on that scrapbook page or whatever my current project is (without the backhanded compliment). But most of all, I want to hear that I am supported and that I could do anything I set my mind to.
I have a session with my life coach today (talk about an awesome benefit from my job!). We've been talking about strategies and how to implement them. I've done a great job on the professional level doing all that, but on the personal side-not so much. I just have this nagging sense of not getting it quite right. I did a self examination exercise she recommended a few weeks back, and there's a few nagging things there. I have this feeling that I don't feel that I deserve good things in my life. Pure & simple. Its like on some levels I feel like the pretender to the throne. That I am not as good as people think that I am. You think that I am eating healthy? Here I'll have a cookie, popcorn and soda! I'll show you. You think that I am working out regularly? I'll show you!! I will make sure that I run out of time in the morning to get a workout in. You think that I am enjoying my hobbies? I'll show you and not do anything ha! You think that my house is neat and tidy? I'll give you proof its not!! Think I'm a great mom? I'll prove you otherwise!!
Pretty sad that I seem to structure my life like this, but I tend to do so. I am sure this is related to some sort of psychological trauma in my life blah blah blah. The whole purpose of coaching is not to explore the past but to plan for the future. Its to prepare myself for increased success-professionaly, health wise and personally. The professional side I have down pretty well. Its the other two that I struggle with.
What sets me up for a bad day it seems is just waking up feeling miserable. Bad dreams or feeling achy or a combination of both. As the morning progresses, things just pile up on me. For example, yesterday was raining out. When its damp and rainy, my body seems to ache more (especially parts that have been repetively injured like my foot, ankle and knee). I was tired and didn't want to get going, so I rushed through the morning. I had this nagging feeling of blah and was going through the motions. Add to it a cranky overtired child, and you have a combustible combination. It was not pretty.
Of course, I felt completely guilty and horrible afterwards. I yelled at my child-something I swore I would never do-and made him cry because I wouldn't do something as simple as carry him to the car.
But today is a new day, and there will be better things happening. We will have a good day-I can feel it in my bones.