Breaking the Girl

Yesterday kicked my butt. Ever have one of those days where it starts off in the negative column and just lingers there? There were a few positive moments in the day, but for the most part I should have just gone back to bed and pulled the covers up to my chin and just stayed there. It started with a vividly bad dream, that would not let me get back to sleep and ended with my collapsing into bed. In between there was a lot of yelling and tears and a little man winding up grounded for the evening. I chased the puppy dog around the neighborhood, and felt like some sort of psycho that I was the only person who found this to be a problem.
I bust my butt to give my family a nice home, clean clothes and a good meal. There are days that it seems that it is unappreciated, and those are the days that I become increasingly frustrated. I am working on teaching the little man to be responsible and had him put away his own laundry last night (very big deal). That was one of the highlights of the day, in between waking up and bedtime. Sometimes I think he feeds off the my vibes and I wasn't overly joyful yesterday.
When I meditate, I do wind up having more vivid dreams. I recently started to meditate consistently again, so here come the movie like dreams. The worst part is that they seem to linger long after I wake up. Yesterday morning, I had a dream about the big man & I splitting up. What made it worse, was in the dream there wasn't any dramatic showdown, it was just the end, slowly fading away. That is the scariest thing for me-that it just disappears, no huge conflict or anything.
After being a part of each other's lives for 17 years, its easy to be neglectful. Its easy to take each other for granted. I know that there are some things in the romantic department I could do a lot better on. Its hard balancing my time with the big man with being a mom. I couldn't tell you the last time the big man & I went on a date. I couldn't tell you the last time we even snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. Or held hands even. Its just after all this time, it goes unsaid and undone-we just know I guess. I do make it a point to say I love you numerous times during the day and sneak a kiss here and there. I think its important for the little man to see these things, because he needs to know that his parents love each other.
I do feel some pangs of jealousy when friends and all talk about date night or what their spouse did blah blah blah. I think its because the big man was such an over the top romantic for so many years, that there are times when I miss that. But its ok, because that energy is spent elsewhere. It may not seem overly romantic to some, but the fact that he wakes up at 1:30 every morning to go to work so the little man doesn't have to be in daycare after school is pretty darn romantic to me and is a proof of love and commitment more than any piece of jewelery or flowers. Doing the laundry or vaccuming the living room is another romantic gesture. Cooking dinner. Keeping awake a little longer so I can have some downtime when I get home from work. Blowing up my bike tires. Its the little things that count on a daily basis.
Speaking of bikes, he put together the little man's new bike yesterday. The little man & I rode around the block again, and it was a lot of fun. He hated to ride for the longest time, and now he finds enjoyment in it. Its a bit of freedom. He's got a big boy bike now too. So excited, and at the same time quite wistful. My little guy is growing up. His face is changing too-its not as little boy-ish any more. The chubby cheeks are giving way to a more angular structure. He is getting more handsome by the day.
Its Monday and the start of a new week. I have so much to do, and it seems like I won't be able to get it all done. But I will give it the old college try. Keep up with the housework (today: clean the living room and foyer) and laundry. Cook healthy meals. Get enough exercise and rest. Drink enough water. Have enough mommy time of me doing things I enjoy to make it all matter for me. But it order to get anything else done, I need to get my day going. Time to hit the treadmill and get the blood pumping.