Promises Promises

Yet another 80's new wave song that I've heard recently on WFNX's leftover lunch and has gotten stuck in my head.
Its Wednesday, and little man has an early dismissal today so I am going to pick him up and hang out. Its been a rought week for both of us, but I think that we are back on track again. Little Man has been on the cranky side, and so have I. Mine is due to a lack of a good night's sleep while he's just going through a growth spurt again.
Its hard to believe that first grade is almost over! I am amazed at how much my son has grown and matured this year. He's growing up so fast, and each day I am just stunned at how much he knows and has learned. I love watching his imagination at work and how he plays, either by himself or with others.
I need to take today to regroup, and get things back on track for myself. I've been treading water for the last few days, and its been exhausting for me. On top of it all, I've taken the one-two punch (eating poorly and not exercising). Its setting myself up for the perfect storm, and it really bothers me. There's this nagging feeling of being uncomfortable about everything right now.
Basically, I feel like I am on the outside looking into my life, and I keep making promises to myself (and to my family) that I never seem to keep. Its bothering me and causing me to have this whole grain of sand rubbing against the skin (and I don't think that we are making a pearl here either).
I did take 15 minutes of time last night to get things set up for the little man's teacher album. Little Man was outside playing, and the big man gave me the look of doom that I was doing that in my office (and watching what I wanted on tv-yay for on demand!). It felt good for me to do something for me (well not exactly for me, but close enough). Saturday is going to be even more radical. I will be at a scrapbooking crop from 10-6. All day. I will be able to finish my 2007, 2008 and 2009 albums for the little man and the rest of us. I can get stuff done that I've been putting off for like forever. I do need to set up page kits for the crop, so that I can be organized and prepared. I used to scrap a lot, a lot a lot a lot. I used to enjoy it immensely. In fact, the little man used to sit and scrap with me. But all that stopped a while ago, and I am not quite sure why. Its the same-I used to bake, I used to quilt, I used to do a lot of things that I no longer do. Its not that I don't have the time (because I do, I just choose not to do it). And as a result, I feel like I am a neglectful mother and wife that I am not doing x or whatever.
I met with my life coach yesterday, and we had a good visit. I have some clear, concise and concrete goals for myself professionally. Personally, its a little more fuzzy. Its easy for me to quanitify what I can do at work, and how to show improvement, etc. Its in the rest of my life that its a little more difficult. We were able to identify the fact that I am one of these overly helpful, can do anything co-dependent type of gals, and that this mainly the source of my frustration in my life. Basically, I put everyone else first and myself last, and then its no wonder I don't have unmitigated joy in my life. If I don't nip this in the bud, its going to cause major difficulties for my family (especially my son) because if momma ain't happy, no one is.
For me, I need to set some pretty concrete personal goals. Not just the work out every day vague sort of thing, because that's not working for me. I will be running in a 5k in two weeks. If I don't train for it consistently, I will not be successful (conversely, if I do train, I will be). If I don't eat healthfully, I don't feel so great and feel sluggish. When I eat good, I feel good. If I don't get enough sleep, I am tired and cranky. Etc. etc. etc.
I've done a lot of whining over the years about how I need to improve my life, blah blah blah. I feel like over the last few years I've started to undermine myself, and its not a good feeling to have. Its hard to make positive changes, and I think if only x would happen, things would be ok. I think sometimes that if only my husband would do whatever (insert task here) life would be good. Or if my son did y (usually clean room without being asked or picking up toys or whatever) I wouldn't have to scream and yell and feel like I am some sort of shrill drill sargeant. But deep down inside, I know its me. I need to do things to get my life in order. Maybe the boys will follow suit, maybe they won't.
Although in that regard, I am tired of feeling responsible for everything in my world. I most certainly am not responsible for it all-nor should I be. But there is this sense of crushing weight on my shoulders to take care of it all. The big man is obviously capable and competant-he has proved that on a daily basis at his job. He can exist without my help. Same with the little man-he does fine in school without me. He can play with his friends without me interfearing. But I hover-I am a helicopter parent and wife. Its time for me to put these imaginary burdens down and walk away from them. I need to take care of what I need to take care of. This morning its doing a little tidying up, doing some laundry and getting myself ready for work. I need to promise myself its ok to take care of me, and be responsible for me. No one else, nothing else.
That's a promise I intend to keep.