Tempted

Squeeze...one of the great, underrated little bands from the second British invasion.
It seems as if I can't avoid temptation. Some people are able to, I seem to be lacking that gene. Especially when it comes to food. I love sweets and junk, and if its there, I will eat it. If there's a choice of inertia, I will choose that too. I just seem to always take the wrong path, and I know that my little moral compass is nagging at me to make better choices. Its just that for whatever reason, I struggle. I know that there are worse temptations in the world than chocolate cake or onion rings, but that's my issue.
I have struggled with these issues my whole life, and as middle age looms in less than a month, I resolve to work on it. I know that I have the ability to be disciplined, but I just don't do it entirely. I am not going to make any pronouncements or resolutions because that really doesn't work for me. I just need to regroup. I know that there are a few things that I need to work on-better health, better cleaning of house, better stewardship of all in my life.
I will also admit that I tend towards the whole anger thing in my life, and I know that this is not healthy. I live off adrenoline still. In my younger days, I got the fix from rock climbing, skiing, mountain biking and and doing all sorts of crazy stuff that you do in your twenties. Now, living on the edge for me is having that second slice of cake and just watch me now I'm going to stay on the couch and not exercise! Woo hoo!! The problem is, theres a bit of resentment and anger as an undercurrent in my life now. A wise woman told me that there's problem a little bit of longing for the past-even though I can't live that life again-and I need to figure out a way to say good-bye to era.
She also is one of my role models and on a lot of levels I almost hate her. We've been friends for over 20 years, and there is a lot of jealousy and rivalry on my part. After having 3 kids, she's in perfect shape. She works full time, and her kids are involved in all sorts of activities, they are super achievers too. She has a clean house and basically cooks gourmet meals every night. After 18 years of marriage, she and her husband seem more in love than they were on their wedding day. I will admit that I am jealous, because it seems like she's got it all together, and I am struggling with one child and she makes it look easy with 3. Yes its true I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but I highly doubt that there is a lot of negativity. Her husband is equally nice, and devoted to her and their family. I am sure that with a couple of boys there were hot wheels and legos underfoot and burping contests, but there's just something about them that's differnt.
OK, so I am jealous. I am coveting that. I broke a commandment. I admit it. Its hard not to-I have this whole feeling of not being good enough when I am on the outside looking into someone else's life. I also have a vision in my mind's eye about what I want my life to look like and be like. I mean, it reaches a point for me where its a struggle to get through my little man's before bed routine (skip the story most nights because I am so exhausted by that point). I feel that I am cheating him out of something precious that he loves, all because I've hit my wall.
I am tired, and I am not afraid to admit it right now. I think its because on a lot of levels I've taken responsibility for things I am not responsible for. I am tired of trying to do it all on my own, because that is not working for me. I can't keep up with the house, etc. by myself without any help. I need a chance to relax. And I mean relax, not feel guilty because I do the 15 minutes post work lay down and meditate and stretch my body out. I feel guilty that I do that, because I know the big man is tired, and he's been home with the little man since school got out, and I really should be cooking dinner and spending time with my son and cleaning the house and doing all sorts of things that I am not currently doing because I have chosen to lay down and try to clear my head. I mean, I need that time to transition from work to home, and I have a gazillion things running through my head.
Basically, today I am going to work on avoiding temptation from treating myself poorly. Eating healthy. Drinking water not soda. Putting on my oxygen mask first, then helping everyone else. Realize I can't save those who don't want to be saved. I need to treat me nicely, and take care of me. I will say yes to the walk and no to the candy. I can do this and avoid being tempted today.