The fixer

I will admit that I've been struggling a lot the last few days, and I've been very whiny as well. Its not for a lack of trying either. I've had a lot on my plate lately, and there is more coming up too. I signed up to run in my first 5k (which takes place on May 8th). I was a runner when I was younger, but now I'm not so sure. In fact, I am afraid that I might regret that I did this. I am hoping that I will get the love and support that I need from my family and friends to pull this off.
I have to get serious about training too. One of my husband's cousins (I guess that makes her my cousin too) runs marathons, so that's kind of an inspiration for me. A 5k is only 3.1 miles, and I've walked that before. The hard part for me is making sure I've got my cheering section. The last few years I've walked the 3 mile walk (I didn't do it last year because of frankenboot)but I've done it alone. I didn't have a cheering section, and I will admit it did make me sad. There were other folks there, and when they were done, their fans were cheering them on etc. I crossed the finish line, and worried how fast I was going to get out of there and get home. (the inevitable when will you be back question)
But that was then, and this is a different time in my life and I am in a different place in my life.
Things won't be the same now.
The little man's teacher is running the 10k (she is a runner, so this is a piece of cake for her) so he has 2 people to cheer on.
I will admit that I have been a real Debbie Downer lately; not to everyone else, just myself. I know that I complain about others being negative-and maybe its rubbed off on me as well. There are days, weeks even, that I wake up and I just don't feel very confident. I am sure everyone goes through this in their lives, and its just a passing phase.That is incredibly frustrating for me, because I feel I work so hard to get things done-but sometimes that's not enough. I've been told in the past that I am an empath, where I can absorb other people's emotions and feelings-and that's why I struggle so much with negative people. I try so hard to be perky and bouncy and positive, and then I get knocked back down to earth with one little comment. The big man is the expert at this-he's been doing it to me for 17 years now-and you would think that I would have learned. But no....I don't think he has any malicious intent with it, at least I hope not, but it is very annoying. I need my little moments of glory-even if its that I took out the recyclables.
One thing that I am very conscious of with the little man is the yes, but theory of parenting. I grew up in a family that had such impossibly high standards, and by the time I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I knew I was never going to live up to said standards, so I basically gave up. Don't get me wrong, I loved my grandmother dearly, but she was not a warm fuzzy person and her main focus in life was keeping an immaculate house. That goal doesn't always coincide with having a child around. There were rooms I wasn't allowed in, plenty of things that I couldn't touch around the house, couldn't have people over because they would mess things up, etc. etc. etc. I vowed that I would never be like that when I became a mom, and so far I've lived up to that. Maybe I heap too much praise on the little man, but I want him to know that its not just the big things that are important-its the everyday triumphs that matter too.
Today I have to go grocery shopping, make 2 baked zitis-one for the youth group at church, and one for dinner tonight. I also have to go over to church for the silent auction set up, which is fine, but I need some downtime MAJORLY. I want to relax and enjoy myself, but I don't see that happening today. I have way too much to do. I have laundry and cleaning (I guess I will bust out the furniture polish and get that taken care of as well), grocery shopping, returning library books, wanting to get on the treadmill, doing all sorts of other healthy things, and a bunch of other household stuff.
One of my biggest roadblocks is feeling like I have to be dependent on others to do things. It frustrates me so much, because when I want to get something done I want it to be done. For example, I ask the little man to pick up his toys before bed every night. Most nights we do it, especially in the living room. The added bonus is I have space to do my yoga in the morning without having to manouver around cars, stuffed animals & legos. Last night, I was so tired that I didn't have him do it, and when I came out of the bedroom it was frustrating for me. I am a big fan of do it now-why wait? Except when it comes to certain things around the house-then I can find every excuse in the world to not do it. Same with working out, I find myself running out of time on a regular basis in the morning. I don't manage my time wisely-I need to hit the shower by 6:15 and most mornings I am still on the couch at 6 AM so I can't work out. Most mornings I putz around and not have time to swifter or use my feather duster to tidy up.
A lot of times when I get home from work, I am beat. It takes a lot of energy to get things done at night-usually there's homework to be done, dinner to be made, baths to be taken, and then there's the housework as well as a dog that desperately wants to be walked. The big man is tired too, so it doesn't make for great happenings. Most of the time we are both coasting on fumes, so needless to say things don't get done the way that they should. I don't like cutting corners but I have to out of necessity. So it winds up on the weekends I am killing myself to get the never ending list of housework done, which doesn't happen, and the misery starts all over again. I have a list and a breakdown of cleaning the house throughout the week (and when I've followed the plan, it doesn't take more than 15-20 minutes a night and things are clean and done). The problem is I feel resentful and angry that I have to do such and such, and I worked all day and whine whine whine. The little man actually enjoys helping me, and its good training for him, but sometimes I feel that we are alone on our little island. I struggle with trying to get stuff done, and it just seems like I never have enough time at night or in the morning.
Thats just a faulty perception, because I have 24 hours in the day. 8 are for sleeping, 9 are for working/commuting, that brings me to 17. There's another 7 hours that I can spend on other things-playing with my son, cleaning, working out, etc. I do have responsibilites with church, PTO and other organizations I am involved with but that's no more than at the most an hour a day. Figure in another hour (and I am being generous here) of personal care (showering, etc) so I have 5 hours every day to clean, do homework, work out and play.
Its just maximizing my time for those 5 hours. I need to stop grumbling and complaining about my kitchen, the dirty clothes on the floor, etc. Once upon a time, I would look at them as blessings (I am grateful for the dirty dishes because I have enough food to eat; I am grateful for dirty clothes because I have something to wear, you get the picture)but being Debbie Downer right now, I look at them as obstacles. Part of it is just the mental energy wasted by negative thinking. That just drains me.
If I am not in a great state of mind, I just go through the motions. That is not fair to my little guy because he needs me to be focused. He needs and deserves to have a mommy that pays attention to him and meets his needs. He needs a clean house and good food to eat. He needs clean clothes. He needs a positive role model to eat healthy and exercise. He needs a loving, kind, patient parent. He needs a well behaved puppy dog who has gotten exercise to get out his frustration and energy. He needs two loving, devoted parents to guide him through life and love him unconditionally.
Its a pretty short list of things that my little man needs-everything else is gravy.