Glamorous

I did something incredibly decadent yesterday. I bought myself some new make up and skin care products. Its not like I went out and spent hundreds of dollars on the stuff, but I did treat myself to actual toner and facial cleanser rather than using the witch hazel and soap that I've been using. I can tell the difference in my face too-it looks dull and I've had more breakouts in the past year than I've had for a long time. So, I decided that I needed to treat myself. I work hard, and I deserve to have a few nice things in my life. I also treated myself to a few new t-shirts (wear them every day!) because t shirts don't last forever. So, I am ready to face the summer head on.
Its one thing to have some great skin care products, but that's external. What you feed and water yourself makes a big difference. I have noticed that when I eat junk and not drink water my skin looks tired and grey. When I add fruits and veggies back into my diet, I look better. The more water I drink, the better the skin looks.
My whole life there has been this struggle against myself regarding value. There's a level of guilt if I take care of myself. Weird huh? Like I don't deserve to be healthy and have it all going on. Growing up, my grandmother had this attitude that if you took care of yourself that you were selfish and self centered and just not a nice person. I didn't want to be thought of like that, so I became a martyr instead. Its a role that I am really not suited for-I don't like living like a victim. I don't like that whole poor me mentality, going around blaming the world.
Its not my fault that I am fat, there are all these bad food choices. I am just a victim of the fast food nation.
Its not my fault that I don't exercise consistently. Its so hard to get motivated and it hurts to move.
Its not my fault that I don't dress nice, do my hair or make up. I just don't have time to get them all done in the morning.
Its not my fault my house is a mess. I'm just too tired from working all day and being a mom to clean it up.
Its not my fault that my child doesn't listen. S/he's got x disorder/problem/issue.
Its not my fault that my relationship is strained. I'm just so tired and he doesn't listen to me. He doesn't understand me.
And on and on. Poor, poor pitiful me right?
Trying to break free of this victim mindset is really, really hard. When you play a role for a long time, starting over is difficult.
The first step is taking care of myself. As simple as it sounds, its a loaded situation for me. Basically, its a matter of relearning everything. I'm a willing student, because I deserve to live a great life. I deserve to be happy and stop playing the victim all the time. I remember whenever something good happened growing up my grandmother would do a "tut-tut" thing, as if sending out into the universe that the good thing was not deserved. When you do that, its like telling God I don't want any happiness. Punish me. I still find myself doing that, and feeling that I don't deserve anything good in my life, because I was taught that if you got the good things, then there would be lots and lots of bad coming your way. You would get to big for your britches and need to be cut down to size. Just like if you spent time on yourself, or heaven forbid got your hair done or even worse-a mani and pedi-the horror of it all-that there was something wrong with you. What kind of whore are you? How dare you spend money on that?!!
I don't think that my grandmother really knew how much those passing comments would influence my life.
But it did. And I would feel tremendous amount of guilt (and still do) when I would do something to prove self value. I mean, someone compliments me and I downgrade it and turn it around to something that takes away the joy. I make it known that I don't want the compliment, because if I accept it as is people might think that I am full of myself-and eventually they stop coming. So, obviously there is something wrong with me that I am not being complimented and its a self fulfilling prophecy.
Then there is the issue of eating right, drinking water and exercising. I don't do these things consistently, mainly because that would eliminate all my excuses about being heavy and out of shape. If I actually did all that I want to do consistently, I would be unstoppable.
The scary part is since I became a mom, I am repeating some of the grandma-isms, and it really, really terrifies me. A lot of this ingrained behavior has come bubbling to the surface, and has really impacted my family. I highly doubt that the big man really enjoys me being neurotic and feeling like a loser (which would in turn diminishes his value). It also doesn't provide a great environment for the little man. Am I being the best mother I can be if I am teaching him to be a victim too? That if he makes healthy choices, there is something wrong with him?
So...today is a baby step towards redemption. In a few minutes, I am going to get some laundry started, and hit the treadmill and get the old heart rate up. Then I am going to pamper myself a little bit, maybe even do a bit of a massage with my massage chair thingy. Paint my nails. Get ready for church. We're going to Ribfest this afternoon, for family day. Tonight my mother and sister are coming for dinner-sesame ginger chicken, rice and stir fry veggies. Hang out with the family, watch Toy Story 2 with my boys. Should be a great day :)And I will be feeling glamorous all the way through it today.