My List

Its Thursday, and I am looking forward to the weekend. Its not that the weekend won't be busy-because it will. Actually, it will be incredibly busy-busier than I had any plans on it being, but its ok. I am trying to figure out what to plan for dinners next week-because it will be insane, and that doesn't help. Actually, for the next few weeks, until school starts, I am incredibly busy.
Next week is vacation Bible school. It is my first time running it, and I am nervous as heck about how it all works out. The end of the year party is Tuesday for my son's camp. Next weekend we're going to Thunder Road for the youth group.
Then I have to add all the back to school stuff going on. For the kids at church, I need to get stuff for the blessing of the backpacks on the 16th. I have so much stuff to plan out for meetings for Sunday school, youth group, teacher meetings, PTO, etc. etc. etc. On top of it, there is so much with finishing up school supply shopping-a few more little things for the little man. Target actually has all of what's missing from my list on sale, so I will probably stop there either today, tomorrow or Saturday. Grocery shopping will not be so bad this week, because we really don't need a lot of stuff. I've got chicken in the freezer, all I need is some ground turkey and some pasta and sauce; pop tarts and juice; and a few fruits and vegetables. Some stuff for lunches for all of us, and of course, dog treats. Milk, bread, eggs.
It seems that my life is run by lists. I have a giant binder that is my command central. I also have a legal pad that is my brain, and I jot things down on. I can't think straight some days, and it frustrates me to no end. I used to be able to keep it all straight in my head, and now I am not able to it seems.
Actually, the most frustrating thing for me is the fact that I make plans, and said plans don't seem to come to fruition. Like what I plan for meals doesn't usually happen. Or I plan to do x around the house and it doesn't happen. Things like that. It is frustrating and borderline misery making. I like to plan, and it gives me comfort and happiness when I can implement my plans.
The little man likes lists too. He likes to know what its expected of him, and when we use lists, it seems to help him out. The checklists we were using for before bed and before school really got the job done. No tears, no screaming, no frustration and misery for either one of us. That has been a huge a problem, because I feel like the worst mother in the world and fear inflecting permenant damage on my child with bedtime or getting up in the morning, where there are some days I resort to yelling to get him motivated. I don't like yelling, but there are some days that I have no choice. I wind up being some sort of banshee, and both of us are upset and miserable before we leave the house. It basically puts a damper on the whole day, and it really drives a wedge into our relationship. I don't want his childhood memories to be of a screaming mother who was never happy. That is a huge fear for me.
But, for the most part, we have a good relationship. In the beginning, it was all about mommy, but now as he gets older, he has a stronger relationship with the big man. That's because as he gets older, he needs that strong male role model. And the big man certainly provides it. I just don't want my little guy to think of me as the banshee in the background...and I am really trying hard not to be that person. Cross that off my list