I've been so wrapped up in stuff going on the last few days-PTO-getting all that stuff ready since school is starting soon (sniff, sniff). I have the brochure to finish this weekend, and some stuff to finish up-beginning to plan for our Harvest Hullabaloo, which is our first big event. Last year, I was the DJ, and I think that I am going to do it again (basically, I don't have much of an option-there has been requests for a repeat performance!) but there is so much more that goes into this event-food, decorations, lining up the hayride, entertainment. I know that it will all work out fine in the end, but its stressful planning it.
Secondly, I spent a good chunk of my night last night planning for youth group and Sunday school for the upcoming school year. I have back to school survival kits that I need to put together to hand out for the blessing of the backpacks on the 16th. I'm in ok shape, and I know that I will get through it all, but its giving me a little bit of agita. I had to plan two middle school retreats for next year-one during Advent, one during Lent and I think I've gotten it done pretty well. I've got some great ideas, and I think that they will be fun. Next on the agenda, Sunday school large group events. We have a Native American congregation that is part of our parish, and I am trying to get some folks to come to our Sunday school for Native American day and for them to talk about how their service is different from ours, even using the same prayer book. Then there's Advent wreath making to be planned out for. Its like I am living my life 6 months ahead of time.
I am feeling pretty confident about all this and I think that I am doing a fairly decent job at balancing it all. The house is basically clean, laundry is caught up, we have food to eat, so life is good. For some reason, it seems like things are clicking, although I don't know if the Big Man might agree. No battle of wills with the little man the last few days either. We've actually had good mornings and good bedtimes. I guess my biggest problem (and some really awesome people have told me this time and again) is the fact that I am pretty hard on myself, and I don't see or feel how great I am. I usually feel like I am closer to loser on the spectrum, rather than super chick, even though I really am not a loser. I don't know why I lack the self confidence to be my best, and see myself as others see me. I do get frustrated because in my head and heart, I have all these great plans but there's this wall that seems to stop me from executing them.
Its a love thing, and I do the love thy neighbor part really well-its the loving myself that I struggle with.
Obviously, people see me as capable and confident, but in reality I feel like I am fooling everyone. If they only knew, I think to myself. And then its the litany of misery that I recount-everything that I can't do right, and believe me I keep score. I know that I have love and support from all the right people, and that should be all that matters. However, I am one of those folks that feels compelled to win over the haters. I never will-that's why they are haters-and its an exercise in frustration. It drives me crazy, and I need to get over it all.
So, its Friday, I am in a good place, and its time to get up and get going.
Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity. Margaret D. Nadauld
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