Spellbound

Its Wednesday and I woke up feeling frustrated. There are days that I bound out of bed, full of enthusiasm and there are days that I drag myself around. While I am not quite at the latter, I am feeling a little beat down today. Actually, a lot beat down to be perfectly honest. It started over the weekend, those negative feelings creeping slowly back into my life. Feeling like the life is being sucked out of me. It was like I had a few days of respite-the sunshine came through, and then the darkness began to descend again.
Nothing is different-in fact, things should be better. The living room is mostly cleaned out and tidied up. I've been working out all week. I've been grooving right along at work. Youth group is humming along. So there aren't any excuses why I feel like this. Basically, the only way I can explain it is like someone waved a magic wand and cast a negative spell over me. Its like there is someone in the universe who doesn't want me to be happy. And this negative energy would like my family to be unhappy as well. Its like this dark cloud has settled over my home and refuses to budge.
But I will conquer this situation as well.
I just don't understand why there is this darkness that follows me around. Its been like that for a very long time, and honestly I am tired of it. I am slowly eliminating people and things from my life that don't support my three principles (joy, peace and serenity). I am not going to waste my time trying to make things work. Just like I've given up on making certain outfits work or certain shoes, I'm purging the stuff that doesn't work out of my life. I am tired of this bad stuff in my life, and it really isn't a great way to live. However, I feel like the Godfather, everytime I try to get out, they pull me back in.
And its exhausting.
I can't tell you exactly when this started, but its been going on for years. Its been ingrained in me too, which is pretty bad, because its gotten to be second nature. I don't want it to be either. But its there, the elephant in the room. And it goes to every facet of my life. Its all inclusive, kind of like club med for depressives. And I am seeing things quickly beginning to spiral out of control.
Basically, I need to weigh everything against the framework of, does this work with my 3 life principles? Does this enhance my family? Will it better our lives? In regards to people, do you support our values? Will you bring us happiness and joy or are you here to suck the life out of us? There are certain people that are unavoidable who are joy-killers, and we can't completely eliminate them from our lives. However, we can limit our contact with them, and not actively seek them out. I don't think I'd want to go on vacation with them or have them over for dinner or spend any considerable time with these people. I am really tired of these folks sucking the life out of me-and the rest of the family.
I am sick and tired of feeling like someone cast a spell on us or making me into a voodoo doll. I am tired of feeling like someone else's punching bag. Its like I have to beg permission to be happy and have joy in my life-and that I am being punished for it. Its like there is some puppetmaster who is basically telling me that I don't deserve happiness just because I exist. I know intellectually that is not the case, but some days I sure feel like it. I am tired of feeling that someone else is controlling my destiny, and that I am spellbound.
Three principles (joy, peace and serenity).
Family and faith.
Five core concepts that guide my life.
Joy, peace, serenity.
Family and faith.
I don't see spellbound on that list.