Don't Look Back In Anger

Its Sunday. This next week is very, very special. Its the week before I go on vacation and I am very excited. Actually, its a staycation for the most part-but its a chance to spend time with my boys, with little pressure to do things.
However, in the meantime, I have an extremely busy week ahead of me-both workwise and otherwise. I have meetings and all other stuff going on all week and its going to be insane (every night through Thursday I have stuff going on)but I will work on getting the balance right. For me, I need to eat dinner with my family. When I don't, I feel out of sorts.
In order to prepare for all the chaos going on, I've got to plan in advance-a lot. I've got the clothes laid out for me and the little man (sorry Big Man-you are on your own) and mine include jewellery and accessories. I've got a great meal plan for myself for next week for breakfast and lunch, as well as snacks. I bought spring mix salad, and I am going to top that with fake chicken strips and cheese as well as a couple of frozen dinners for good measure. I have a lunch meeting on Thursday, so I don't have to worry about that. For breakfast I have a choice of oatmeal with dried fruit and sliced almonds for extra protein or cereal with strawberries and bananas and blackberries. Peanut butter toast can round out the meal :)I know what I need to eat, its a matter of making it happen. And taking the time to make it happen.
That's the rub for me. I don't take the time to make things happen, but for my health and my sanity I need to.
I need to make sure that I take care of my body too. I have workouts planned-and after getting my butt on the treadmill yesterday, it felt SO good, I have to keep it up. And the laundry is all caught up and put away. The house is relatively clean, and I've got some great dinners planned out for the Big Man to execute.
Its been a long road to get here, but I have made it. I am on this incredible journey of a lifetime, and once, I am going to enjoy sightseeing along the way. There are so many things that I have missed out on because I've been so hyper focused and driven. But as part of my planned simplicity, I am taking a few steps back and regrouping. Basically, I need to look at what's working in my life, and what's not. I also have to look at my reactions to things. I know that the more positive that happens in my life, the more glaringly obvious the negativity is. Its also more obvious how it is that I over-react to bad things (its the end of the world!). I take so much to heart and it is quite wounding-and this is something that I don't want the little man to duplicate. Its all personal for me, and that isnt healthy either.
Its definately a learned behavior-that over time, I began to feel that whenever something went wrong, it was all my fault and that I couldn't do anything right (this is the root of self-sabotage, by the way). I still take on the responsibility that really isn't mine (its all my fault anyway, so why not be the fall guy?) As I've made a lot of positive changes in my life, this has become glaringly obvious. I've also realized that I tend to attract a lot of adult bullies into my life-these are people I give a tremendous amount of power to, and let them control my emotions and my reactions to life. I've wasted so much energy on this-I've been fighting against these people's personality types and their reactions to life, and it hasn't benefitted me any.
I need to revamp my outlook instead. I need to rethink my thinking. My biggest issue is the fact that I take the blame for everything, and if something does for some strange reason go right, its a shocking moment. But why should it be that way? I deserve happiness, peace and serenity as much as anybody else. I am not "less than", I am "equal to". I have noticed that as I've gotten things together in my life, the naysayers have tried to get more vocal-and they keep trying to bring me back to the pit. I've been there, and honey let me tell you I'm NOT going back.
I am not going to back to thinking that there is something wrong with me. I am not going back to feeling inadequate. I am not going back to feeling like a loser (even though I know I am not)Its full steam ahead, and I am not looking back.
I can't change things that happened, I can't wave a magic wand and make things better or take away anything that was in the past. I can't predict the future-its just the here and now I can affect. And my here and now is all about throwing laundry in the dryer and hitting the treadmill before I go to church.