Monday, August 16, 2010

What the World Needs Now

Day 3 of vacation. Today we are going to the Turner County Fair. I am excited. Its a lot of fun: nice exhibits, nice midway, good food. I don't do rides, and Little Man is big enough now that doesn't need me to be on them with him. There's a bit of bittersweet with that. I am glad that he isn't afraid and can go it alone, but there are times when I wish he wasn't growing up so fast.
He lost a top tooth last week. In fact, it was Thursday evening when we were watching the Blind Side (great movie! and I don't usually like Sandra Bullock, but she was awesome in that role)He is talking a little funny because of it, but in a sweet way. And man, is he talking! I mean, full blown conversations and all. I remember a few short years ago when I was told this would never happen.
I love proving the experts wrong.

One of my goals on this vacation is to just BE. Not live with an agenda, or a road map or anything really. I've been in hyper drive for so long, and it really doesn't suit me. I need to go back to being myself, and stop trying to please others. I realized that I keep trying to be someone that others want me to be, not exactly who I want to be.
Me: fun loving, creative, excellent cook, pretty darn good home-maker, talented crafter (especially scrapbooking!) not to mention very cute and perky as well as well dressed. The problem is I sell myself short time and time again, and I keep trying to please people that there is just no pleasing. Everyone has those folks in their life: the people that no matter what, they just don't like you. You could be the president of the US or win the Nobel Peace Prize and they just don't like you. Its nothing you did or didn't do-and nothing you do can change it.
My issue with this is, over the years I have desperately tried to get these people to like me-or even acknowledge me-and have wasted precious energy in doing so. The sad thing is no matter what I do-or have done-these folks are not going to change and magically want to be my friend or hang out. Its just the fact that they don't like me and nothing will change that.
I am trying to teach the Little Man to be strong in himself, and not cave into trying to be something he's not to make others like him. I want him to feel ok about who he is, and not change to make someone else happy. That's not leading an authentic life. And it just makes you miserable in the long run.
He definately knows who he is: loves Star Wars, Hot Wheels and Toy Story. Loves to jump on the trampoline, do gymnastics and play video games. Loves to read and do math. Talented artist. Loves his kitty kat and puppy dog. Explorer of nature. Almost second grader. Cuddler.
He's telling jokes to the cat. And the cat is listening!

Back to the topic at hand: feeling comfortable in your own skin. Somewhere along the way, I lost that happy feeling in the last few years. I've tried so hard to be someone I am NOT and gee, I wonder why I feel so awful. I am truly organized, but I let my life devolve into chaos. I like to be healthy, yet I chose unhealthy habits. I have let my life spiral downwards very quickly and it has not been a good feeling. You know when you get that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach? Yeah, that feeling. I've been living with it chronically for years.
It has to effect those in my immediate orbit. I am tired of my gloom and doom weighing down on my little man. I want him to be happy. I want him to have happy memories of his childhood; not memories of a miserable mommy who did nothing but yell or shut down completely.

Honestly, I woke up one morning, looked in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth and realized I didn't recognize who was looking back at me. It sort of looked like me, only more tired and not as perky. I looked, as the big man put it, rough. Like I had been running a constant marathon (because it certainly felt that way all the time) and never really resting.
So, what has changed in my life? For one thing, I have made the choice to eliminate negativity. If you go around your life thinking how miserable you have it, your life will, to put it impolitely, suck. If you keep saying nothing good ever happens-you know what-nothing good will ever happen. The energy you put out there comes back to you like a boomerang. If I think that the little man is going to have issues, you know what that comes to pass. If I think something's wrong in my relationship with the big man, it comes true. And I am firm believer that if you wish others misery, it comes back to you threefold. So it just pays to be nice to others.
Secondly, I made the choice to limit my (and my family's) exposure to negative people. Little Man doesn't need to be around people who are overly critical, never have anything nice to say or put people down. Kids can be very, very creul and I don't need him around all that stuff more than he absolutely has to be. He doesn't need sarcasm, he needs love and positive affirmations. He doesn't need to be told what he's doing wrong-he needs to hear what he's doing right. He doesn't need rejection, he needs affection.
I know I can do pretty much anything if I set my mind to it (well, there are a few things I can't or won't do)and the same goes for the little man. At some point in my life, I lost that sense of wonder and began to just exist and not live. I don't want the little man to become jaded and lose that excitement about life. I know that there are bad things that happen in life: relationships don't always work out, people die, illness, traumatic accidents, etc. Its not the bad thing-its how you react to it that makes all the difference.

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