Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Oh Wednesday, how you cause me agita.

Today Little Man has an early dismissal, and the Princess is picking him up. They get a chance to hang out together and have fun.

He's grown up so much in the last month, and it really is shocking me. We went from Little Boy to Little Man big time. His conversations are so much more mature now. He is able to dress himself, and do things for himself. He doesn't NEED me anymore on that existence level. I mean, I hope he still needs his mommmy, just not NEEDING me to do it all for him. When I think about where he came from in terms of abilities and all, it blows my mind. I have such an awesome privilige of watching him grow up and become this amazing person.

On the down side, I've realized that I haven't always been mom of the year. There are days where I lack patience completely. I get so frustrated and it just drains the life out of me. And I don't want to ruin my son's childhood with my issues.
I think it all comes down to perspective.

For a long time, even though I didn't want to admit it, I've been a martyr. Its not the obvious woe is me thing, but the undercurrent is there. There is this whole I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I am not happy about it. And I have to stop.
My life is not hard by any stretch of the imagination. I have it made, to be perfectly honest. But I don't always appreciate how good things are.

So, what does this have to do with the Little Man? A lot, actually. Since I have "issues" those carry over to him. If I am not doing what is best for my family, they all suffer. Like if laundry isn't caught up or what have you, its going to make things more difficult for us all. Or if I don't plan meals out, or keep up with the housework or any of the gazillion "boring" tasks that keep our family functioning. If he sees me doing this stuff then he is more likely to do it himself.

Watching him grow up amazes me. Its like I woke up one day and he went from toddler to preschooler to second grader overnight. I look at him, and he's evolved into this really cool person.

What I need to do, in order to be the best wife and mommy possible is to take a step back from things. I am always tired, and feeling like I am behind the 8 ball a lot of the time. What I would love to do when I am not working? Scrapbook. Bake. Do a craft project with the kiddos. Garden. What do I end up doing? Sitting on the couch, playing golf solitare on my phone. There is this dark side too-in order to scrapbook, I need pictures. But I don't upload them or order them, so I have already prevented myself from scrapping them. Or not buying the supplies to bake cookies or cake or whatever.

The last few days have given me a big perspective on things, and that makes me grateful. I know what I need to do to get it all going on. My best intentions are not going to make my family happy or create great memories. My son is growing up so fast, and I feel like I am missing out on so much. Not that long ago, he was asking me to push him on the swings, and now he's soaring high on his own.

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