Sunday, October 10, 2010

How Far We've Come

For some strange reason, I am up very early on a Sunday morning. It has its benefits-the house is quiet, and I can write in peace. Not that I don't have peace when the boys are up, but this is that deep silence that their sleep affords me.
I have a busy day ahead of me, and I don't think enough hours in the day. Today we are celebrating the Feast of St Francis in Sunday School. We are going to hear the story of St. Francis, play hoop the animal games, decorate treat bags for dog treats and put them in the bags. Then get stuffed animals blessed and all that. Stop and get bagels on the way home. Finish laundry (maybe the big man can start it while I am out). Tidy up the kitchen. Vacuum and dust. Clean the bathrooms.
I need to get back into the room of the day cleaning schedule. That works really well, but I do need to get up off my butt to do it. But doing a room a day, things never get really bad. It is a struggle for me some days and in some rooms. Too much stuff, not enough space I guess. Actually, its the fact that I don't shut my head off and I think too much sometimes. Thinking can get me in trouble sometimes.
So, I have to figure out a way to get things done, be happy and not think so much. Yeah, good luck on that one.
I just keep thinking of all the stuff that needs to be done on a regular basis and all the roadblocks that keep coming up. I also keep thinking about how things were different one time in my life, and I don't know why it all changed. Big Man & I were watching a video from about 4 years ago, and he mentioned how skinnier I was and how clean the kitchen was. Ouch.
OK, he's right. The house is a lot messier than it used to be, but that was before I went back to work full time. I was thinner then, because I took better care of myself and worked out regularly and ate healthier (because I wasn't working full time). The puppy dog got walked every day. I played more with the little man. I am not blaming my job, its just that I am home less than I used to be, and the time when I am home I am tired.
There's no two ways s about it, I am tired a lot. I guess that's the downside of being a working mom.
I don't have the energy somedays when I get home to clean the house, do the laundry, do all the other chores that keep the house running, do homework, exercise, walk the dog and everything else. Then there is my wishful thinking to do things that jazz me. I don't. About all I have the mental capacity for is to play solitaire or free cell on my phone.
Its not the environment I want the little man in. I would love love LOVE to take the puppy dog for a long walk once or twice a week like I used to, but then there is guilt that creeps in. To go over to the park, without the other boys, well that's just not fair. Big Man is exhausted all the time because he doesn't get enough sleep so the last thing he wants to do is to go for a walk in the woods. I mean its even the thought of going around the block that doesn't even happen. This time of year is my favorite, with the leaves changing and all. I love fall.
Then there is the whole garden thing. I love to garden, but I lost some of the joy with it this summer because of weeding. I didn't know what to do with the weeds, and everywhere I put them seemed to be wrong, so I got frustrated and gave up. But I really want to plant some spring bulbs, and that is probably not going to happen this year and that saddens me.
I've always loved gardening, and I try to make time for it, but this past summer-and spring as well-I just didn't seem to have "time" for it. Its more I didn't have the energy or mental capacity to deal with one more thing on my to do list.
That to do list is ever expanding as well.
I have so much to do every day, and it seems like it never ends. What makes it worse is the fact that I set myself up for failure over and over. I don't do my manis & pedis regularly so when I do, it takes 3 times as long. I don't do the daily maintenance around the house, so it takes 3 times as long to play catch up. I don't make myself lunch the night before, so I get stuck eating crap and I don't enjoy it. I don't do things I enjoy, so I wind up feeling like I am stuck. I don't work out consistently so I don't see any real changes. There are so many things I don't do, and it really bugs me. Its like the weight of the world on me.
Then when I do things for me, then I feel guilty. This is one of those huh? moments but its true. When I take the dog for a walk or go on the treadmill when everyone else is awake, I feel like I am taking something away from them. And its the fact that I am sad that no one else wants to go with me. I feel guilty if I go on the treadmill when the boys are awake, and I think its partially because I am embarrassed by how my body looks in sweats.
And I have to admit, I hate having an audience when I am cleaning. It goes back to my childhood and my grandmother pointing out that I missed a spot. I don't want to hear those words.
So I have a lot of issues I suppose. And there are days where I swear its like people are conspiring against me and deliberately messing up the house-its like little gremlins come in and make a mess over night.

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