Sunday, November 21, 2010

Change is going to.come


Its early Sunday morning, the quiet time before the rest of the family gets up. It's also the start of a very busy week. Thanksgiving is Thursday, and I'm still plotting my menu. Lasagna or ham? Appetizers & desserts? Not sure....decisions decisions.

Honestly, thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday. I don't like turkey, and since its the centerpiece....well, I look for alternatives. I have done a boneless turkey breast before that was really.good, but honestly not.really.motivated.

The only thing that's looming big in my mind is Dec 7th.Im very anxious about it, and despite knowing that this truly is in my best interest, I'm still am freaking out. I am scared that something may go wrong, yadda yadda yadda.

On the other hand, I am excited that I will be on the road to a new body. I won't have this lump sticking out of my lower abdomen. I will look much better in clothes. My center of gravity will be reset. I am excited to be able to do certain workouts again.

One thing I find very fun is belly dancing. My old gym had it as a class & I got hooked. Fun & you don't feel like you're working out really. However, with humpy it actually hurts to.do it. Same with doing crunches. It hurts, so I don't do them. I have to admit I don't work out or really eat healthy because I don't feel like its really going to make a difference for me. You won't be able to tell I've lost weight or toned up so, why bother?

But it does matter.

I'm looking forward to this surgery being a new start for me. It's like I'm going from flab to fab overnight. And its also a new start in terms of self.confidence & personal happiness. Imagine spending 10 years of your life being self.conscious of your body and trying to hide on so many levels. That's where I've been since 2001. I wore a size 10/12 prior to my last surgery. After wards I was a 14. I mean, a month later I went up pretty much was a size bigger & not happy. Three months after surgery I was a 16. By the time I got married a year later I had to wear an 18 to.get.over the hernia.

I haven't been able to.wear.clothes that I want to. I dream of outfits that will make me feel pretty. I don't really have any.of those.

Honestly, because of the hernia, I basically.gave up. It.was like why bother, I don't look.good no.matter what. I stopped really caring about how i looked basically. I.sporadically did my hair, and haven't colored it in years. I haven't gotten my nails done professionaly since before I was married. Its crossed over to basically everything else I think.

But that is going to change. Seriously.


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