Thursday, November 25, 2010


It's Wednesday; which is actually Friday this week due to the holiday. I finished my thanksgiving shopping after work last night.

The pilgrims would be shocked.

Asparagus spears wrapped in prosciutto. Sushi. Cheese tray. Buffalo wings. Smoked salmon. Pizza rolls. Egg rolls & wontons.

That's a thanksgiving.I.can get into.

I met with my doctor yesterday & wento over everything for surgery day. I mentally packed my hospital bag. I need my fluffy blue robe. Toothbrush & toothpaste. And most definitely make up. Anything to make me feel pretty. Since I'm probably going to feel pretty darn crappy. I also know.from past experience that I will be living in sweats for the first few weeks the incision.

I.also.found out my goal of running in may for the race against breast cancer is.certainly do able. Yay.

I figure I can get a lot of scrapbooking done. Im looking at what can be done sitting in a recliner. Ive got the DVR stocked with movies that I wanted to.see: Julie & Julia; nick & Nora's infinite playlist; mulholland drive; gothic. It's.exciting because after 6 weeks a new me will emerge.

A better version of me.

Sure I will need to lose more.weight & get toned up more. I'm really tired of the flabby stuff dripping off me. I have to.tighten batwings. My back boobs need to disappear. I have legs & they just need to tone them up a little more. And my butt is booty-licious. Enough said.

Once humpy is.gone, I can focus on the rest of my body getting me back.

It dawned on me.driving yesterday, drinking my caramel latte & & the white stripes: I am a hipster. Well, sort of. I listen to NPR; I support social justice causes; I'm into the arts. I would shop at whole foods given the chance. I write.poetry. I like different ethnic.foods. the big man & I are polar opposites on a lot of levels. But that part is ok because it makes life more interesting.

I haven't been comfortable in my for a.very long time. Basically since humpy arrived; I've retreated. I've done soul searching getting myself ready, and I basically can pinpoint the.moment I.lost my.mojo. I really didn't feel like I was myself anymore. There was a level of shame involved; and some sort.of.odd.self pity.

Will this change overnight? Probably not. Looking back I've had this depressive episode that has hung around in the background.for about 12 years now. There were all sorts.of things that led; individually they were little nothing events but together they were strung together into.something dark & dreary. Most of hormonal; and looking forward to it.not happening anymore.

I.can.pinpoint.the.timeframe where I really stopped caring about my appearance too. It was gradual. I.started skipping workouts. I stopped paying attention to what I ate. I stopped getting my nails done or pedicures. I started to wear more sweats and less fitted, structured clothes. Longer time frames came between hair cuts & colors. I stopped socializing as much. I began to retreat into myself more. I began to.second guess.myself more, thinking that I wasn't right.

All because of a hernia?

Sure. It has dominated my life. I don't feel pretty. I bust my butt to prove I'm worthy...because who takes the fat chick seriously? It's limited my ability to be a great mom because physically I'm limited.

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