Friday, November 12, 2010

You don't know what love is

It's Friday. I have a headache. It's raining with the strong possibility of snow. I have 3 weeks till surgery and I go back & forth over how I feel about it.

I am looking forward to not having this grotesque lump on my body that makes me look deformed. I'm looking forward to no more lower back pain. No more tightness in my hips. I will have my flexibility back. I will be able to do things that I haven't been able to for a very, very long time.

I don't want to be the fat chick anymore.

Little man is at the point in his life where he is very aware of his surroundings & how people look, and how he looks. He's made comments about how some other people are fat...I don't want him to that about me. So I am doing my best to not be that woman.

I see a lot of very, very heavy people all day long. It makes me wonder what they eat to maintain their size. I know what I eat, and I know how much my sweet tooth kills me. Do they exercise? I know what I do & don't do.

I know where the root of my issues comes from. It goes back to.self medicating with food, particularly chocolate. And feeling that I don't deserve to look good or be healthy because I am (fill in the blank).

What a load of bs.

Obviously I have some talents and people really like me, but I don't always see it or feel it. I do know that I engage in self sabotage. If I'm doing really well, and the house is staying clean & organized, the laundry is all.caught up, we are eating healthy meals and I'm looking spectacularly well, then I wind up doing something to mess it all up.

I acknowledge that now. It's something that I've sort.of realized for years, but I wasn't sure if it was completely accurate. It is.

It dawned on me that I cut corners in yoga when I start getting the warm tingly feeling when I'm getting deep into a pose. It's like I can't handle it.

I'm looking at my surgery as a chance for a rebirth. I am going to have to.stop the insanity that is my life for 6 weeks while I heal. Different priorities will emerge. I will be a different person, there is no.doubt about it. I am thinking this will be a good thing. Between the physical changes, and being forced to sit still, I will be able to start over. Thanks to.the, I will finally be able to get a good nights sleep & have more energy.

More energy=better wife & mommy.

Not having my hump=being able to do things better. bend. Ride a bike. Play.

My hormonal issues will be gone, or at least majorly resolved.

I'm building a better mommy.

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