Purple Rain

Last night I attended a Unity Day event for Domestic Violence month. It's an issue that I am passionate about, and have for about half my life. It started in college, when my RA broke up with her boyfriend. To get revenge, he torched her dorm room.
Several years later, I served on a special grand jury. One of the cases we heard haunted me, and still does. It was a woman who had suffered abuse at the hands of her socially prominent husband. He basically told her no one would believe her, and that if she told he'd kill her. She had the courage & strength to get out of the relationship and press charges. We, as the grand jury, were to determine if he would be indicted.
It was at that point I decided that I would work to make domestic violence history. I volunteered with Womanspace for a over a decade before we moved to South Dakota. I donate money and supplies to both the Compass Center and My Sister Friends House, two organizations supporting survivors in Sioux Falls. I'm in the basic planning stages of a V Day event for February 2013 to raise awareness. Its a passion for me. Seeing the fear in that woman's eyes as she recounted abuse on the stand changed my life. I don't want another woman to feel that way again.
Entering the main branch of the library last night, you were greeted with life sized figures bearing testimony. Each one represented a South Dakota woman who died as a result of domestic violence. There were too many.
At the event last night, survivors spoke. Professionals spoke. The US attorney representing South Dakota, Brendan Johnson, spoke. It was a powerful , moving event. It started with drumming, part of Lakota culture. [side note my son had never witnessed drumming live before, and sensory wise it was a challenge. He went to the children's section of the library and was fine] for me, the drums brought a level of sacredness to the event. It set the tone.
There were a variety of speakers. US Attorney Brendan Johnson, an advocate for women's rights and who has prosecuted thousands of domestic abuse cases, spoke to the changes being made in the court system. One if the challenges facing South Dakota is there are both tribal and non tribal courts, both busy.
A woman from Sisseton, who went from survivor to advocate with Sweet Grass, spoke of her journey. Chilling, and heroic, we need more people like her to share their stories and give hope.
Other advocates spoke, including a man who grew up on the Rosebud reservation and witnessed violence first hand as a child. He was about my age, and hearing him speak of how it's impacted him to this day tells of the lingering impact of violence on children. What got me was when he said that into his own married life, he slept fully dressed because he never knew if he'd have to leave in the middle of the night.
The speaker that made me think the most was the one that spoke about domestic violence in the gay community. It's not really talked about. There are a variety of reasons, which education and advocacy can help resolve.
The evening ended with a glow stick light vigil, in memory of those who lost their lives, those who are enduring violence and in hopes that no one else will have to.
Click the link to see pictures from last night's event:
http://www.argusleader.com/apps/pbcs.dll/gallery?Avis=DF&Dato=20121001&Kategori=NEWS&Lopenr=210010802&Ref=PH&nclick_check=1

I Know What Love Isn't

The relative calm of my city was shattered earlier this week. Over the weekend, a man-who had a history of domestic violence-was arrested. His girlfriend, and the mother of his 2 children, took out an order of protection against him. The events that follow are still coming to light, but apparently he is released from jail, kidnaps their children at gunpoint, kills his girlfriend's young boss and takes the girlfriend and co workers hostage before killing himself.
Wow.
This brings domestic violence back out of the shadows into the light.
The unnamed girlfriend took a brave first step in obtaining an order of protection. Unfortunately, there were additional victims-the manager of the hair salon, who lost her life. The children who have lived through a nightmare.
It doesn't have to be this way.
Love doesn't hurt. Abuse is not part of a relationship.
If you know someone in this situation, help them.
If you feel as passionate about this as I do, give help. For ideas, click here http://mommydomchronicles.blogspot.com/2012/01/love-hurts.html?m=1
To honor the young lady who died as a hero, there will be a Take Back the Site Prayer Vigil this Friday at 5:30 at Cost Cutters.
To help raise awareness of violence against partners, on October 1 at 6:00 pm Take Back the Night will happen at the Main Library.
Love should not hurt.

Love Hurts

There's a local story, through the power of social media, went viral yesterday. Despite the method of getting the message out, it unfortunately is an old story: domestic violence.
In my belief system, love is never supposed to hurt physically or psychically. Yes in the heat of the moment we all say things we might regret, but when it happens over and over, that's abusive.
My RA freshman year in college had an abusive boyfriend. During the winterim term, she did something he didn't approve of and set fire to her dorm room.
That was an extreme case, but unfortunately not the only one.
Over the years, you would hear whispers of abusive relationships but it's not something people in polite company talk about. For one thing, people don't want to interfere with people's marriages or relationships. Secondly, unless you see it happening in public, it's hidden behind closed doors. Third, people are afraid that the abuser might turn on them.
In 1996, I started volunteering with Womanspace (www.Womanspace.org), which serves Mercer County, NJ. My involvement came about from me wanting to make the world a better place.
Mercer County is a unique area, as it features some of the richest communities in the country (Princeton and Hopewell); rural farmland and a crumbling, decaying city in Trenton. The dichotomy is unreal, but domestic violence crosses all socioeconomic lines. Race, age, creed all are negligible because anyone can be abused. I've seen women with PhD's in the shelter along with high school dropouts.
One unique program that Womanspace offers is the domestic violence response team. They are the front line and partner with law enforcement to help survivors. It actually is NJ state law that survivors have access to advocates. The advocates help guide the survivors through the "system" starting from the initial contact at the police station, when that initial report is taken.
Womanspace offers a 24 hour, bilingual hotline for those dealing with domestic violence. There is an emergency shelter, with volunteer advocates that assist residents in meeting their housing and personal goals as well as emergent needs. To help keep their children safe, there are teachers on site to homeschool those in the shelter. Also, there is a chaplain that serves the shelter, to provide additional support.
Survivors can stay at the emergency shelter for a month. After that they are eligible for transitional housing. The whole program helps women to work towards total independence. For many women, they lack the job skills and financial resources to leave their abusers. The services offered by Womanspace makes it possible for them to leave and transition out of the relationship.
The other concern for many in a domestic violence situation is the journey through the legal system. Womanspace offers assistance in obtaining a restraining order (an important first step in leaving the relationship). They also have a legal clinic with lawyer volunteers who assist with court cases. There are municipal court advocates to help with the criminal cases in both Trenton and Hamilton, with hopes to expand that program county wide.
Womanspace is a unique organization, and is able to offer the variety of services due to generous donors and a small army of volunteers. While services may not be the same in your community, the needs are the same.
Shelters need basic supplies: clothing, hygiene supplies (including diapers and sanitary napkins); soap, flip flops, Children's items, blankets, towels and washcloths. Many shelters offer a program to recycle old cell phones for survivors when they transition out of the shelter. Most shelters appreciate gift cards to help survivors purchase items for herself and her family. Almost all shelters are independent, non profits that rely on donations and volunteers to continue operations. Consider making a donation-monetarily of time wise. Raise awareness in your community. Request that the PTA or your Woman's group have a speaker come and talk about domestic violence and what to do if you or a friend needs help. Have a clothing or supply drive in your church or school. If your school or church has a gift card program, encourage folks to buy an extra one to donate.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, get out. Know that there is help out there. There is a national hotline number that will help guide you to resources available in your community: 1-800-799-SAFE or visit http://www.thehotline.org/.