Unpretty

I go through the ebb and flow of feeling pretty and not so pretty in the course of my existence. There isn’t any one particular thing that makes me feel prettier than others. I know I have some outfits that I feel like a rock star in, and then there are others that I feel like crawling under a rock and hiding.


For most of my life, I relied on others to provide me feedback on whether or not I was pretty. I let them guide me in how I felt about myself. I wish I could say I came about the realization that was pretty dumb years ago, but I actually came to it Christmas Eve. My son and I were cuddled up together, and we were talking about the excitement of the next day. We had put out reindeer food, so they wouldn’t be hungry on the long journey and he wrote a letter, apologizing to Santa for the really pathetic pancake like cookies (bad baking soda). He was leaning up next to me on the couch and we were just snuggling before bed, and he looked up at me and said I was pretty.

Bam!

That’s all the confirmation I needed. See, my son is autistic, and one of the beauties/curses of autism is the inability to lie. If he isn’t feeling it, he isn’t feeling it. So, when he said I was pretty, he meant it.

While it was someone else telling me that I was pretty, it was also like my conscious speaking to me. A conscious that I have been working hard to develop and expand upon, that I have struggled with accepting the limitations of, and learning to be. One of the wonderful side effects of this is being more in touch with my body and mind than I have in years. My post operative pain was intense, but I think it was because I could actually FEEL it for the first time in a long time. I can feel the stiffness in my back when I wake up in the morning equally as I feel it dissipate as the morning wears on. I am getting in touch with my hunger and thirst symptoms and learning to tell the difference therein.

I started meditating years ago, and it is as time has gone on my practice has waxed and waned.

It seems as my practice follows where I am in terms of body acceptance and peace. The more accepting I am of myself, the more I seem to meditate. In those dark corners of vacillating between starving myself and bingeing to “control” the weight, I am also not freeing my mind. My meditation practice is closely intertwined with my spiritual discipline; in fact, they are one and the same. It does matter if I am chanting “om shanti, shanti om” or “veni, creator spiritus” or saying the rosary (and yes, Episcopalians do pray it)its communication with a higher power and being vulnerable.

The union of self acceptance and spiritual practice really isn’t all that surprising. As you become more enlightened, some of the little things pass by the wayside. You don’t sweat the small stuff as much. There is that sense of Zen. I am not kidding when you feel like you are one with the universe.

My intention is to start off the new year with the intention of spending a few moments each day in silent meditation. To just be with the universe, and just be. Veni, creator spiritus, veni.

Ain't that Pretty At All

When I did my photo shoot a few weeks ago, the photographer mentioned to me that I was really pretty and photogenic. I could have kissed her because lately I have been feeling quite "unpretty".
I am overweight, no let's put it out there: I'm fat. All the gains I made post op last year I lost, and more. I'm not eating as healthy as I'd like and I'm certainly not working out how I'd like to as well.
Following November's surgery, I feel particularly ugly with 16 holes across my belly.
A lot of my mental energy is consumed with the fact that I will never be anything but curvy. I'm not flat chested. I have hips. And as Freddie Mercury so memorably put it, fat bottom girls make the rocking world go round.
Nike even has a campaign devoted to this:
http://m.pinterest.com/pin/47358233551257101/
I have been so focused on what I wasn't that I've lost sight of what I am. It's crazy making. I know I'm flawed (hint: we all are) but I have an inner beauty and strength beyond compare. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to deal with some of the stuff life has thrown at me.
Losing weight and getting healthy, for me anyway, isn't about things-getting a promotion or turning heads walking down the street or whatever. It's about that rush you get when you can do more and go farther. It's the ability to ride a bike with my son without having to stop and gasp for air. I want to run up and down stairs without getting winded. I want to carry in all my groceries without help. I want my back pain to go away. I don't want to be dealing with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes because I chose not to take care of myself. My son is starting to head into those tween and teen years and I don't want my body to be a source of embarrassment for him.
I want to be healthy.
My biggest stumbling block is that I'm an "emotional eater". I stuff my face to deal with my feelings. Surprisingly enough, all the great things that have been happening in my life (teaching cooking classes, woman of the year, my book being published, this little blog taking off) has triggered a lot of other emotional stuff. Part of me doesnt feel I deserve it because im not this thin, beautiful woman.
There is a really awesome website dedicated to embracing yourself called Curvy Yoga (http://www.curvyyoga.com/). Like Anna, I am not your typical yogi, and it's hard when you can't always get into poses in class. The main goal is self acceptance. I've realized that my curves should be a sense of pride not disgust. So I won't be some bean pole thing on a magazine (thank you Sir Mix a Lot) but I have been a magazine cover, despite that.
I deserve to be healthy, not just for myself but for my son. It's the last week of the year, and it's been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. One of my intentions for 2012 is to come to peace with myself.
Stuffing my body full of food isn't being healthy. It's not living my life to it's best. It's not setting a good example. I also am setting the intention that I am doing this for me; not to look prettier or to get attention or whatever. It's for me to be my best. If all those other things happen, well then it's a bonus.
I set out an intention several years ago of following my bliss and have gotten sidetracked time and again. Part of cultivating a good life and raising a happy child is if you are happy too. Raise a glass, for 2012 and it's intention for ms to follow my bliss.